Beastmomma

The sound of the dryer running combined with the CD player creates a sense of unexpected peace.  The occasional heater rum adds a nice backdrop.  We gave in last night when it dropped into the thirties and turned on our heat.  Tonight, they are expecting the first frost of the season.   I am waiting for my clothes to dry so that I can pack for my trip to Pittsburgh to visit Sonja and Tom. This is my first visit to their town since they got married two years ago. Hard to believe that it has been that long.  I am looking forward to seeing them, but feeling nervous about the cold weather.  I think this will be good practice for my other trips to cold places.

I am trying to get in the Halloween spirit. So far my contribution has been to get into a zombie like state. I have had trouble sleeping and I am stressed out at work. The result is a blood shot eye look which says SCARY.  I am glad that it is October when this look is more socially acceptable than say spring.  I feel like I am caught in a trance between sleep and the deju vu. I have been thinking a lot about the randomness things. For instance, I was thinking about how I could feel more secure in my relationships.

With several friends, I get these feelings that they hate me or some minor disagreement is going to be the end of our friendship.  I found myself remembering how when I was a little kid, I used to cry because no one would play with me in elementary school.  My parents would try to say that I had friends.  I really do not think that I did; I mean people thought that I was okay, but I was never the trend setter or the one people looked to in order to find out what was cool.  Pretty frequently over breakfast or while my mother was combing my hair, she would list out all the friends I had-- I did feel better because we managed to run out of time before we ran out of people.  In retrospect most of the folks were family or friends of the family and did not really count as my schoolmates.  The classic line from this exercise was when my brother heard he was included in the list and my mom asked him point blank, "Isn't that right?" He thought about it seriously and then shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess you have to be friends with your sister. "