My Journey These Days

I am into preparing for the bar exam earnestly and with some anxiety.  I struggle to focus and trust the preparation process with my review course which is different than what I have done before.  Knowing that I need to do something new is so different from embracing it. 

I struggle to stay awake as growing Bud requires a lot of energy.  We are at the 22 week mark and I find myself craving whatever food he/she is the size of; now I want some roasted spaghetti squash :) My newish cravings are toasted everything bagels with honey walnut cream cheese and spring rolls. 

On Tuesday, I went to my second prenatal yoga class. I started them earlier with the Little One and these classes are much harder. My legs were shaking and I was sweating with the effort.  I still want to incorporate other cardio into my routine. Hopefully, this process will make labor easier. 

After spending some months commuting and then being in an office surrounded by people, being myself most of the day feels strange and a bit isolating. The quiet is broken up by the sound of bells from the church which mark the hour, the patter of my fingers typing on the keyboard, or the hush of a pen/pencil writing responses to questions.  Most of the time, I enjoy the solitude.  I resist (sometimes without success) the urge to nap. 

Questions which have take me down a rabbit hole that I would love some insight on: 

1. How to ease the transition from one to two children? 

2. What is the best way to set up and decorate a room for an infant and toddler? 

3. How should we arrange the closet in the kid's room so that it can accommodate everything?

4. When I start my job search again, what is the best way to explain what happened with the last job? 

5. How can I manage another potentially long working-outside-the-home for pay sabbatical? 

6. I would love to have a job where I write or speak about social justice issues; however, these positions often require journalism and writing experience that I do not have. How can I get in the door at a salary that works for our family? 

Finally, here is one of my favorite poems from Mary Oliver: 


The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Posted on Wednesday, May 14, 2014 at 11:58AM by Registered Commenter[beastmomma] | CommentsPost a Comment

New Embrace for Mother's Day

Last year, I wrote about the Legacy of Lost Mom on Mother's Day.  In past years, I have put out calls for help with gift ideas.  The holiday is still hard for me as a daughter and a lot of that comes from trying to get a gift for my mother while not ignoring the complexities of our relationship.  Partner is celebrating his 5th mother's day as an official part of the family.  He has listened patiently and trying to help as my brother and I attempt to figure out what to send her.  Usually, he is pretty passive.  Yesterday, he called to tell me that he got two cards for her-- one from us and one from the Little One. He also said that we should write them up soon, so he could mail them to get to her by Sunday.  This morning, he told me he decided to send them priority mail in order to ensure she would have them on time. 

I was floored and when I asked him why he said that she does so much for us and he wants her to know that we love and appreciate her.  I almost started crying and told him that I was so happy he felt that way.  The holiday is complicated and frustrating for a number of reasons; however, I am deeply thankful to be shown the love Partner has for my mother. 

As for a gift, we are stumped and decided to go with a non-creative route of sending a gift basket. 

Posted on Thursday, May 8, 2014 at 11:46AM by Registered Commenter[beastmomma] | CommentsPost a Comment

(Trying to) Start Again

Today is my official start date for preparing for the MA bar exam and my first task is to tackle some questions for the multi-state portion of the exam to get a sense of how I should proceed with my studying.  I have the book next to me and feel dread at thought of starting again.  The preparation and exam itself is so loaded with emotions that I am having a hard time shaking the stigma and having a fresh start.  

Yesterday, I updated my LinkedIn profile to put my job in the past and it felt like a good step for getting closure. However, I still wish that I had gotten more things off my chest and the humiliation of the experience sits beneath the surface.  Maybe it just takes time to let the sting of bad experiences fade.  

I am 20 weeks and starting to have a hard time sleeping through the night. As I am struggling to get comfortable I keep replaying conversations and interactions at work.  The experience makes me feel drained. I try to replace those thoughts with something more optimistic like welcoming Bud into our family. While that helps some, I end up feeling a bit worried about getting everything ready and how we will manage with two. 

Okay, enough for now.  Time to dive in and begin this next chapter. 

Posted on Thursday, May 1, 2014 at 9:10AM by Registered Commenter[beastmomma] | CommentsPost a Comment