Happiness in a Bathing Suit

The Little One started swim classes a month ago. When we initially had the idea, we had planned for Partner to take her to the classes.  I fully support her learning to swim and actually enjoy the water very much myself, but just felt too self-conscious about being in a bathing suit.  All of the classes were full during the times he was available which meant that we either had to wait or I would have to take her.  I had some tantrums and acted bratty with Partner for using my words and logic against me.  He said that this was a good opportunity for me to show the Little One that I move confidently and lovingly within my body, no matter what I am wearing.

Before our first class, she and I took a tour of the facility.  She was really excited and wanted to go in the water.  On the day of our first class, I got there early and changed her first.  She was so excited and happy.  Suddenly, I had a flashback to going with my mom for swim classes.  I was older when I started, so she was not in the water with me.  However, my cousins and I took classes together.  I remember looking forward to swimming all week and loving the feeling of being in the water. I felt a bit like a superhero; all the anxiety of fitting in and stress of homework disappeared as I learned how to swim. Being in the water was almost magical.  Afterwards, we would all get Roy Rogers and strived to collect all the toys from the happy meals.  I remember laughing a lot.  I took some pictures of the Little One before our class started and she was in complete bliss. 

As we were waiting to get into the water, I noticed the other people with their kids and they all looked really good.  I started to regret coming and wanted to go home.  Then, we lined up to get into the pool and the Little One squealed with delight.  During the whole class, she never stopped smiling or laughing.  Each class since then has been filled with joy.  She is brave and confident with trying new things in the water.  I had heard and even had glimpses of how parenthood gives you a second childhood.  What I did not expect and am delighted by was the chance to be excited to be in a bathing suit again and feel so happy to be in the pool with my daughter.

Posted on Sunday, March 2, 2014 at 7:56PM by Registered Commenter[beastmomma] | CommentsPost a Comment

Professional Development Recap and 2014 Resolutions

I am assessing how I did on my resolutions from last year and planning for 2014. When I think about my longing for a job and how things have unfolded, I give a sad laugh and feel tension come into my shoulders. 

2013 Resolutions: 

  • Find a job that is exciting and decent paying. 
  • Create a will and make end of life planning documents with Partner.  I have been feeling anxious and sad since my grandmother and uncle passed away.  I am worried about what will happen to The Little One if I or Partner pass away; I also get scared about how I will manage if something happens to Partner and vice versa.  We had been meaning to do this for awhile, but kept putting it off.  I need the peace of mind that comes from having a plan in place. 
  • Merge our finances.  When Partner and I were getting married, one crucial thing we did not do was actually set up a joint bank account and get some credit cards where we are both on it.  I think I was too caught up in trying to get some all clad dishes off our registry :)  Again, we have been putting it off and need to have things in order.

Assessment: 

Starting with the last two, we made zero progress. I am adding them to the list again for 2014 because I believe they are important.  If anyone has a recommendation for an attorney who does estate planning, please send my way. Initially, I thought that I had accomplished the first one. My new job was exciting and decent paying.  As time has passed, things have started to unravel. I found out last week that my probation got extended again for another two months. I have a job until April 15th, but feel very uncertain and insecure.  I am thinking of making a change.  I want more job satisfaction, so 2014 will be the search for all the confidence I have lost dealing with this bullshit.  I would also like to get through a week at work without crying. 

2014 Resolutions-- almost the same as 2013: 

  • Figure out how to feel more satisfied and fulfilled with my current job or gather courage to take a step toward something new. 
  • Create a will and make end of life planning documents with Partner.  I have been feeling anxious and sad since my grandmother and uncle passed away.  I am worried about what will happen to The Little One if I or Partner pass away; I also get scared about how I will manage if something happens to Partner and vice versa.  We had been meaning to do this for awhile, but kept putting it off.  I need the peace of mind that comes from having a plan in place. 
  • Merge our finances.  When Partner and I were getting married, one crucial thing we did not do was actually set up a joint bank account and get some credit cards where we are both on it.  I think I was too caught up in trying to get some all clad dishes off our registry :)  Again, we have been putting it off and need to have things in order.
Posted on Saturday, February 15, 2014 at 9:38PM by Registered Commenter[beastmomma] in | CommentsPost a Comment

28 Months: Personality Explosion and New Cousin

Dear Little One: 

I have officially stopped being able to quickly calculate how old you are in months.  I stop, count, shake my head that the number I have come up with is not right, verify that the number is correct, and then say, "Wow--she is so big!" Big describes every aspect of you right now. Your personality is just exploding. You are saying sentences. Telling us you are silly. Running and climbing everything. You like to pull things apart and put them back together which can be maddening.  

Over the past few months, you have become obsessed with going pee pee in the potty and sitting on the toilet. We are excited for the end result of having you toilet trained, but the process is comical and feels very long. Your dad and I have not been able to figure out why you need to be completely naked before you sit down. I have to bite my cheek to keep from laughing and ruining your concentration as you methodically take off every piece of clothing with the grand finish of throwing your diaper above your head in great triumph.  Then, we sit and sit and wait.  While I did not appreciate the play in high school, I am glad that I read Waiting for Godot, so that I can say with some authority...it feels like we were waiting for Godot.  (when you are older, maybe you will understand how badly I wish that my high school teacher could change my report card to reflect the bonus points I totally should have scored with that statement!)   As with everything, you are doing things on your own pace and toilet training is another chance for me to let go of expectations and learn to be in the moment.  You love having us sit next to you.  My favorite parts of the day are sitting with you in the bathroom as while smile at each other and laugh.  

A few weeks ago, on your Daddy's birthday, a new cousin arrived.  He is so small and came to your aunt and uncle.  I love seeing you interact with him. I am blown away with how big you seem next to him and how gentle you are when you interact with him.  You have been so good at giving gentle touches; you are constantly trying to get him to give you a high five.  You sing him songs and talk to him on the phone.  You made so many people's eyes fill with tears when you told him that you love him.  I see you interact with kids your age and older; you are constantly on the move and very loud.  Seeing you interact with another little one has brought out a softer side in you.  I am surprised and moved with your tenderness.  

I have been having a very hard time with my job.  My confidence in my abilities and skills waver. I am constantly second guessing myself. I am trying to find ways to excel on the job while still being present at home.  In the midst of all the angst, I am especially thankful to see you thrive and marvel that I had something to do with helping you grow.   As we enter our third (!) year together, I am excited for the adventures that will come.  In a journal entry to your day care, I wrote some resolutions for you and got buy-in from your teachers.  Even though, we have only been working on these for a few weeks, I am already having more fun with them than my other resolutions.  

Here they are with some preliminary field notes: 

1. Cook together-- you got a learning tower which you love to use and we have made some yummy treats.  Although, I am concerned that every recipe we have made so far involves sprinkling some cheese. 

2. Complete potty training-- see above. I am glad that we started this as you seem to have gotten really confident and skilled at getting undressed. 

3. Jump with two feet: You love jumping, but right now your technique needs some refinement :) I love watching you gallop and sing songs about jumping with great enthusiasm

Here's to 2014!

Much love, 

Mom 

Posted on Saturday, January 18, 2014 at 7:51PM by Registered Commenter[beastmomma] in | CommentsPost a Comment