On Monday, I had another ultrasound because Bud was not cooperating at our last session and the doctors needed some new views. The Little One has swimming lessons on Monday and I asked Partner to get into the water with her and then come with me to the appointment. She had a rough lesson with non-stop crying, so we ended up leaving early. She said that she was sleepy and seemed lethargic. We dropped her off at a day care and told them to call us if they needed anything. He and I got a quick lunch, then called to make sure she was okay. The teachers said that she was fine. He and I decided to go to the hospital for the ultrasound; it is about a half hour drive. As we were pulling into the parking lot, we got a call from the day care and found out that the Little One had a fever.
We were not sure what to do, so asked if they could keep her until after our appointment. We thought we would be back there in about an hour. Instead, we found out that the ultrasound people were running late. We both were anxious and worried about the Little One; we realized that maybe we should have taken two cars and were trying to figure out different logistics. Fortunately, our day care provider was understanding and said we could take our time. It also helped that the Little One was napping.
When we finally got into the exam room and got to see Bud, it was incredible. However, we both felt guilty and worried about the Little One. The ultrasound technician told us that the baby was having a great time and showed us all the ways Bud was moving. I am so glad that Bud is thriving, but could not shake the guilt at not being there for the Little One. The doctor came in and made us laugh while showing us how well Bud was growing. We got pictures printed out and there is one pose very similar to the Little One where it appears that Bud is saying hello.
On the car ride home, Partner and I talked about the doctor appointment and wondered how we were going to manage two. Up until now, it has been all the Little One, all the time which is wonderful. We want her to have a sibling for many reasons, including learning to share. Other parents had warned us about the guilt that comes when another child arrives and up until this week, I had not given it much thought. I know that we are going to do the best we can and are lucky to have family support, but the task just became more daunting.
I am into preparing for the bar exam earnestly and with some anxiety. I struggle to focus and trust the preparation process with my review course which is different than what I have done before. Knowing that I need to do something new is so different from embracing it.
I struggle to stay awake as growing Bud requires a lot of energy. We are at the 22 week mark and I find myself craving whatever food he/she is the size of; now I want some roasted spaghetti squash :) My newish cravings are toasted everything bagels with honey walnut cream cheese and spring rolls.
On Tuesday, I went to my second prenatal yoga class. I started them earlier with the Little One and these classes are much harder. My legs were shaking and I was sweating with the effort. I still want to incorporate other cardio into my routine. Hopefully, this process will make labor easier.
After spending some months commuting and then being in an office surrounded by people, being myself most of the day feels strange and a bit isolating. The quiet is broken up by the sound of bells from the church which mark the hour, the patter of my fingers typing on the keyboard, or the hush of a pen/pencil writing responses to questions. Most of the time, I enjoy the solitude. I resist (sometimes without success) the urge to nap.
Questions which have take me down a rabbit hole that I would love some insight on:
1. How to ease the transition from one to two children?
2. What is the best way to set up and decorate a room for an infant and toddler?
3. How should we arrange the closet in the kid's room so that it can accommodate everything?
4. When I start my job search again, what is the best way to explain what happened with the last job?
5. How can I manage another potentially long working-outside-the-home for pay sabbatical?
6. I would love to have a job where I write or speak about social justice issues; however, these positions often require journalism and writing experience that I do not have. How can I get in the door at a salary that works for our family?
Finally, here is one of my favorite poems from Mary Oliver:
Last year, I wrote about the Legacy of Lost Mom on Mother's Day. In past years, I have put out calls for help with gift ideas. The holiday is still hard for me as a daughter and a lot of that comes from trying to get a gift for my mother while not ignoring the complexities of our relationship. Partner is celebrating his 5th mother's day as an official part of the family. He has listened patiently and trying to help as my brother and I attempt to figure out what to send her. Usually, he is pretty passive. Yesterday, he called to tell me that he got two cards for her-- one from us and one from the Little One. He also said that we should write them up soon, so he could mail them to get to her by Sunday. This morning, he told me he decided to send them priority mail in order to ensure she would have them on time.
I was floored and when I asked him why he said that she does so much for us and he wants her to know that we love and appreciate her. I almost started crying and told him that I was so happy he felt that way. The holiday is complicated and frustrating for a number of reasons; however, I am deeply thankful to be shown the love Partner has for my mother.
As for a gift, we are stumped and decided to go with a non-creative route of sending a gift basket.