You constantly surprise me with how you arrive and look different than what I imagined. Take the journey of this blog for example. Shortly after I got this site as a birthday present over four years ago, I began an online dating adventure. The blog community was so wonderful. We voted on which photographs I would use and the actual content of my ad. I started the adventure of a lifetime. On this site, I documented my dates. In addition to some funny stories, I unpacked some of my insecurities and faced some of my fears about intimacy. Through it all, my dear readers were cheering me on with comments. Then, I went on a date with *Sunday*
We had a big fight a year and a half after we had been dating. I thought that our futures did not include each other. You surprised me again. He and I reconciled about a month before I moved to Seattle to begin law school. We were in touch, but you had a lot more in store for me than I imagined. I learned so much about you in the process of falling in love with him. Most of all, I found myself learning to let go of the need to know how things will turn out. His name on this site became the Visitor because I wanted to share adventures we had together.
I have also been so afraid of what you will bring. As much as I wanted to shout my love from the rooftops, I was afraid of people's reactions. My parents had lots of expectations of you in regard to who I would marry. I had so much fear of yelling and being disowned. Again you exceeded my expectations. Yes, it was hard to tell my parents. However, I discovered that all the challenges of bringing a potential partner home to meet the family is worthwhile for the chance to be able to say out loud, "This is the person I want to be my life partner."
Even after learning over and over again that I should let go of the need to have you, the future, look a certain way, I still found myself clinging to an image of how things should turn out. The pressure started to mount about what the next step would be and if/how I would get engaged. He told me that he wanted to ask me to marry him and that I should relax. I tried hard to do that, but I found myself constantly looking to you for clues. Again you surprised me. One night at the departure area of the Seattle airport, I got the following note:
You can see that I said, "YES!" Now, I look to you with excitement and look forward to experiencing you with my Partner to-be.*
Love, love, love,
Beastmomma (a.ka. honest woman to-be)
*In case it is not clear *Sunday*= Visitor=Partner to-be