Internally, I feel jumbled and lost. As I have been job searching, I keep replaying and thinking back to my last job. I wonder if I have been jinxed and feel worried that I will not find a good position. In the past month, I have been asked twice if I am pregnant by strangers. Many things are messed up about that question, including the underlying assumption that there has to be a reason I am big.** Once I simply said no because I was at a Temple in Buffalo with my in-laws and trying to be on good behavior. The second time I was in Costco and said, "No, I am just bigger than I used to be" while maintaining eye contact. The toughest part about these comments is that it feeds my insecurity and feeling of being jumbled. Parenting is wonderful and brings you into a community, but it is also isolating and lonely. Four years in and I still do not know how to carve out time and resources for myself effectively.
RESOLVED: Less feeling like crap because of body size.
Over Christmas weekend, I had a massage. My father-in-law gave me a gift certificate and watched the kids with Partner, so I could go. It was wonderful! At the end, the therapist told me that my entire body was tense. She had gotten a lot out, but there was still a lot of tension remaining. She highly recommended that I get regular massage or do something for myself more frequently. I wanted to cry.
RESOLVED: More self-care, including massage, eating better, and walking/swimming/yoga for me.
When she was home for vacation, my friend Erin from high school came to visit. She got to meet the kids and had lunch with us. She arrived with a drum that was filled with other instruments for the kids. She said that she gave it to them because she and I met in high school band. It was so thoughtful; I keep trying to remember that when the kids are banging away. One of my favorite sounds was hearing her laugh and their laughs together. Keeping in touch and making plans takes work. Hanging out with adults is not the same as it was before parenthood, but maybe that is okay. Would I trade the image of Erin giving a piggy back ride to the Little One in the parking lot? Hell no. Would I let go of Little Mister saying hello to her and them smiling when she responded? Absolutely not.
RESOLVED: More connection with loved ones, including making plans, sending emails, making calls. Telling folks I am thinking about them even if I am lousy at staying in touch.
A few other resolutions:
1. I read 18 books last year. Wow! I did not write any reviews on the blog, but still I read. This year, I would like to read more and try to write reviews on the blog, but mostly read. RESOLVED: Read 19 books
2. The only gatherings we hosted at the house were book club and kids birthdays. I want to host a party. More details here. RESOLVED: host a party not connected to kid's birthday or book club
3. Speaking of book clubs, I miss being part of one. RESOLVED: Start or join a book club
**Pro-tip: please shut the FUCK UP about people's bodies. The only exception are compliments and that too-- "You look great!" or "That color brings out your awesomeness"-- as opposed to, "You have lost weight." **