Beastmomma

Something was missing at the end of my day yesterday and I realized that I had not posted a new entry on the blog. Largely, this had to do with not having anything interesting to say and to being sleepy.  This is the challenge with creative work and making writing or art your priority; it seems like you have to do it everyday, even if everyday does not produce something that you consider *worthy* My NPR stream has been down, so I have been enjoying music from this website. 

The online dating adventures continue to teach me.  I am learning how e-mail and writing can be good to learn about what people think are important to learn about folks, besides physical appearance. I am also figuring it how to ask questions that are informative and intriguing.  This weekend, I am having my first *date* which comes from this experience.  The guy lives in MD and I do not want to deal with my family's interference, so I am actually going to be "sneaking out." It feels dumb to have to lie to my parents about what I am doing, but I would rather be a liar than be interrogated. Plus, all this sneaking about is kind of exciting.   If you think of it, please send good luck vibes on Saturday night.   I have also been trying to practice not worrying about being found attractive (since he has already seen my pictures) and instead just focusing on having fun.  It is hard to not get caught up in our insecurities, but it is good to practice embracing our best selves.

Today, I have been thinking about how quickly routine changes. It has been just about two months since I joined the blogging community and it is hard to remember what my life was like without "beastmomma."   I have become part of an extended web family and there are people who I know only through their words.  It makes me feel hopeful about the world in which we live to know that there are others who are grappling with how to live well in the niches that they are carving for themselves.

It has been a week almost three weeks since I joined the online dating community. So far it has brought out my obsessiveness, but also a confident side of me that is not afraid to ask really hard questions. One advantage of not meeting someone face to face first is that your physical attraction for them does not get in the way of figuring out the fundamental question, as posed by India Arie, "can you be a part of my life?"

This month marks the six month anniversary of my job and living here in Durham.  It is starting to feel like home in the sense that when I am in a different city, I look for landmarks from here.  One of things I am learning from this experience is how to take pieces of my past to help me be fully present in this moment.  The friends I have are mostly from college and other parts of my life.  We are writing the next chapter of our friendship that is marked by a job that could become a career, by deciding if I am going to return to school, and grappling with the pressure and wish to find a partner.

I love when you look at people that are part of your routine and you cannot imagine your life without them in it.  The relief that comes when you figure out that you can share more of your complicated self and still be accepted.  When new people come into my life, I often do a dance of not wanting to be too clingy or needy or feeling scared that I am going to frighten them off by being "too much."  In spite of this protocol jingle, miraculously new connections are built and my world expands.   Some changes are obvious and get processed as such like moving, changing jobs, starting school and others are more subtle how you spend your time, what and who you share with, and how you define yourself.

One of my friends here in town is a teacher at a local elementary school. Last night, her students were doing a performance and she had invited several of her friends to attend.  I don't have a lot of little kids in my life and my younger cousins are far away from me, so I had not been to a school performance in years.  It was so much fun! These kids just had energy, attitude, and a whole lot of spunk.  One of my favorite performances was when a group of second graders, the brown bears, declared that they could be anything they wanted to be!  Some of the kids were loving hamming it up and other kids were terrified.  Everyone really liked looking for their family members and waving to the audience.  I would like to have the soundtrack to the performance, so I can play it back and remember that I can still be anything.