Beastmomma

My week has been pretty crazy. Tonight in my LSAT class, the smack came down and we were told that we needed to up our prep because the exam is a month away.  We are encouraged to put in three hours of work each day. Of course, there are exceptions, but if we want to succeed this is where it counts.  I took a deep breath and just released my television time.  I thought about how this exam was one of the fighting points with my father and how much I needed to really give it everything to show how much of a priority it is.  I have been up since about 6am because I had an early morning meeting. Needless to say that at about 7pm during class, I started to zone out. I decided to remedy the situation by staying after class in order to work through some additional problems. I was the only one there, but I told myself that I needed to have an intense concentration period to make up for my zoning. 

Tomorrow, *Sunday* and I are driving to Atlanta together. He is going to meet his dad for a conference and I am going to try to relax and enjoy some time with friends. I have felt so drained that I did not do a good job of planning time with everyone. I just want to hide in a ditch or something.  This will be the first time I am going to visit where I do not have very much structure. Something tells me that it will go by quickly and get filled with much more activity than I realize.  The latest disagreement with my dad has made me question my status with *Sunday* again. Overall, I feel pretty happy with him and just last week it had been six months since our first date. I can honestly say that I do not believe that much time has gone by because I still have a lot of the giddiness from when we first started spending time together.  I am not sure where it is going in the long term or if we even have a long term.  Being in the car for a long time together will help bring more light into his personality and our ability to mesh together. 

Yesterday at the gym, I kept getting this powerful intense memories and thoughts about my father. I was doing the treadmill (40 minutes again, after cycling class) and my mind was wandering. I was trying to think of good examples of how he loved me even though he had said things which upset me.  I got into this strange pattern of remembering something good and it would be followed by another painful incident.  I am still on the boycott and hope to hold out until Monday because that is his birthday. 

In the meantime, I am looking forward to a change of scene with some old friends.

I cannot remember if I had quoted this particular Ani Difranco song or not, but this is from the song "Educated Guess":

looks like my crazy family
is down one crazy daughter cuz
i'm shipwrecked in a desert that
once was underwater just
looking for a swift turn of phrase
some colors to fly
as i float by
in the parade

Yesterday towards the end of the day my father called me at work. We got into a fight about meeting boys and marriage. I started crying. The door to my office was shut.  However there was a knock and it was the supervisor that have a bit of trouble with asking me to keep my voice down. I nodded and could not stop crying. It was obvious that I was upset. She steps inside and hugs me, then says, "Boy trouble?" I said, "No, it is father trouble." Then she goes to leave and says, "I am sorry, but please keep your voice down." It occurs to me that people now know of several things that I had not wanted to share with my coworkers: 1. That things are not always harmonious with the parents and 2. That I am taking the LSAT.  I had not wanted to share with them that I was taking the LSAT because I think it would make things awkward and I feel like it changes work dynamics in that I do not get to work on as exciting projects.

Anyway, my father tells me how I am so emotional and I should call him after work.  I told him that I did not want to talk with him anymore and that he and
my mother should accept the fact that I am going to end up an unmarried old maid and I won't be lonely because I will have cats which I am still working on learning to like.  I said that I felt frustrated and angry and that I knew he felt the same way. I said that I was tired of getting emotional and going in circles. I hung up and cried for a good long time afterward.   I got a hold of Corrie and as I was trying to calm myself down, I heard people in the hallway talking about me.  One of my coworkers popped her head in to make sure I was okay. I am still crying at this point.  The same supervisor came back later and said that she needed to talk with me about work when I was finished.  As much as there was nothing really Corrie or anyone can really do or say to make the situation better, I just wanted to stop crying.  (It is SUPER humiliating to be crying at work)  I did manage to tape it together after going to the bathroom and washing my face. I could see people giving me strange looks.  I talked with my supervisor and she asked what everything was about and how could I summarize? I just said that we were having disagreements about my future.  She wanted more specifics. I just said that my parents are worried about me getting married and we have different methods of finding a partner. 

After work, I really wanted to get a milkshake or go home and try to catch up on some sleep.  I did try to convince Corrie to come with me, but then I had pulled into the gym. I attended my cycling class, but my contacts were bothering me because all the tears made them dry out.  I did not do the treadmill time because I was just tired and unmotivated.  One of the things my father said which has been stuck in my head is: "I don't know what you are talking about-- what test are you taking and which marathon are you running?" He has all the information about these two events because it is pretty much all I talk about anymore.  When I was trying to explain that these two events were requiring everything from me, he said, "Well it won't matter if you do not get married" To which I wanted to say, who are you and what year is it again? Instead, I said, "I cannot believe you said that. I think you should listen to yourself and figure out how messed up your thinking is."

I will admit here that I am on the verge of quitting.  This is definitely a point in the training of both events where I need to dig deep.  However, I am feeling pretty empty.  Ann Lamont wrote a piece in Traveling Mercies about her father in which she talks about how a father's faith could just warm a girls heart. Similarly, I think, a father's lack of care or knowledge about what is important to you and encouragement for your goals is enough to break a girl's heart.   Last night over dinner with Beth, I predicted that my parents were going to play good cop/bad cop. My mother would probably call and ask me why I was upset.  This seems to be the way that they work.  I cry in a conversation with one and the other swoops in to try to save the day.

I have been trying to be open minded about meeting people.  However, I cannot drop everything to travel to various cities in order to meet prospects when I am trying to prepare to take an exam and run a race.  I think that my parents are right about it not being a priority for me now.  Is this how the Network (arranged marriage scene) is supposed to work?  How can this matchmaking which is supposed to lead to the love of my life be causing such heartache? Is this how it goes-- that you find yourself sobbing at work and feeling like crap because of your standards and the way that your personality is put together until all of a sudden this incredible person comes along and makes everyone forget that there was ever these harsh conversations.

This morning I ask someone about a work item and we talk about that. Then she tells me that everyone is worried about me.  I get a list of people I need to talk with because my conversation was really loud as was my crying.  I apologize for the disturbance and she just nods.  I feel weird.  I talk with the person I supervise and she told me that she had heard that conversation through the wall and was surprised because she had never heard me raise my voice.  I told her that I did not mean to disrupt people's work.  She said not to worry about that because people were more concerned about me.  I appreciated her understanding and said that I was going to try to keep it from happening again.   However, I just feel embarrassed.  I feel like my "laundry" has been aired at work. Granted, I should have kept my voice down. It was just hard because I was getting in the flow of crying so much and was just feeling enraged. 

I hope that the rest of my day goes better.

Tonight I took my fourth diagnostic test and I am not sure how it is possible that I managed to be going slower.  My endurance level seems to be decreasing.  I was having such trouble concentrating. I also noticed that I have acquired another bad habit.  As I am taking the exam, I have been scratching my head. Maybe it is a connection to the notion of scratching your head for the answer. Anyway, I have noticed that there are flakes on my test booklet and the table around me.  Oh good LSAT, thanks for giving me dandruff or is it dry scalp or does it even matter? It's another indication of how the stress of this has manifested itself into my life.  Here is the list of items so far that I am bitter about having to sacrifice:

~ Sleep

~ Conversations that are interesting in nature.

~ Self Esteem

~ Confidence

~ My Scalp (the appearance of these flakes does not make things easier)

~ Feeling old

~ Eating crappy food.

Five weeks left and I have to think about where else I can squeeze out study time. There have been suggestions about me changing my attitude about the LSAT from attempting to make it my bitch to trying to become its friend or something less advesiarial. I can understand that thinking. But here is the trouble with that: HOW CAN I BE FRIENDS WITH SOMETHING WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO DETERMINE SCHOOL ACCEPTANCE BASED ON HOW PEOPLE CONTEND WITH IT?  Also if something was going to be friend, wouldn't I be wanting to have some give on its end? Shouldn't it not be giving me extra stressful side effects? These exams need to be conquered. I know that there are many who believe they are necessary evils. Why is it that knowing an evil is necessary makes it more acceptable? How come I know that there are people who are reading this who are thinking "She is bitter because she is not doing well on the exam." To this I can only respond: YOU ARE RIGHT. 

Here is what I have to offer law schools which won't even get considered if I don't have the right number: A Master's Degree, Work Experience, Strong Writing Skills, the desire to help people, enthusiasm and passion.  I am twenty FUCKING eight years old and for the past few weeks I have been spending nine hours a week in class with college juniors who are concerned with staying awake for their classes and how to plan their schedules so that they don't have obligations on Friday.  Every night I stay up way past a bedtime that is appropriate for getting enough sleep in order to attempt homework so that I can hang with my classmates.  I go to a job that lately has been DRIVING ME CRAZY for at least eight hours and then roll into an evening class.  As I saw my time slipping away from me on the exam, I had the desire to cry. To cry because I have no idea how I am going to do this well.

I still fucking hate you LSAT. You are winning the rounds,but I don't think the game is over yet.