Beastmomma

Dear Future:

You constantly surprise me with how you arrive and look different than what I imagined. Take the journey of this blog for example. Shortly after I got this site as a birthday present over four years ago, I began an online dating adventure. The blog community was so wonderful. We voted on which photographs I would use and the actual content of my ad. I started the adventure of a lifetime. On this site, I documented my dates. In addition to some funny stories, I unpacked some of my insecurities and faced some of my fears about intimacy. Through it all, my dear readers were cheering me on with comments. Then, I went on a date with *Sunday*

We had a big fight a year and a half after we had been dating. I thought that our futures did not include each other. You surprised me again. He and I reconciled about a month before I moved to Seattle to begin law school. We were in touch, but you had a lot more in store for me than I imagined. I learned so much about you in the process of falling in love with him. Most of all, I found myself learning to let go of the need to know how things will turn out. His name on this site became the Visitor because I wanted to share adventures we had together.

I have also been so afraid of what you will bring. As much as I wanted to shout my love from the rooftops, I was afraid of people's reactions. My parents had lots of expectations of you in regard to who I would marry. I had so much fear of yelling and being disowned. Again you exceeded my expectations. Yes, it was hard to tell my parents. However, I discovered that all the challenges of bringing a potential partner home to meet the family is worthwhile for the chance to be able to say out loud, "This is the person I want to be my life partner."

Even after learning over and over again that I should let go of the need to have you, the future, look a certain way, I still found myself clinging to an image of how things should turn out. The pressure started to mount about what the next step would be and if/how I would get engaged. He told me that he wanted to ask me to marry him and that I should relax. I tried hard to do that, but I found myself constantly looking to you for clues. Again you surprised me. One night at the departure area of the Seattle airport, I got the following note:

You can see that I said, "YES!" Now, I look to you with excitement and look forward to experiencing you with my Partner to-be.*

Love, love, love,

Beastmomma (a.ka. honest woman to-be)

*In case it is not clear *Sunday*= Visitor=Partner to-be

Dear Junk Food:

Why do you have to be so fast, cheap, and easy? I try to hide from you by not keeping you in my kitchen.  Seriously, I have all "healthy" snacks in my place and yet, you seem to find me.  No matter where you are hiding, I can find you in vending machines, at the student center, or the Starbucks across the street.  I notice that I come to you faster when I am stressed or tired.  I am trying so hard to create a new pattern.  It seems like you have so many allies who advertise on the television or billboards.  I feel like I am never going to be able to give you up.

I want to crave healthy foods. I want you to be something in my past.  In the meantime, I think that we should start seeing other people. 

Yours,

Beastmomma

"I was waiting for such a long time, she said. I thought you forgot. It's hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone. " ~ Story People by Brian Andreas.

Dear Apartment:

As much as I enjoy being here by myself, I also like having company.  Sometimes during the visits, I find myself feeling nervous or self-conscious about my living habits.  I feel glad that you do not pass judgment on me when I do not always put things away immediately or when I walk around all day in my pajamas.  Sometimes, I imagine that you chuckle at my "good behavior" when other people are around.  All of a sudden, I become a woman who eats breakfast with ease or puts everything away as soon as she walks into the room. 

This weekend, I was so glad to have a Visitor here.  The semester is coming to an end and my self-esteem always goes down at this time of year.  Often, I wonder if I am good enough to excel in law school.  Over the weekend, I put those thoughts at bay and worked on other things.  It was so nice to have you feel cramped for the shore term.  When I returned from the airport, you felt huge.  I am sure that soon enough you will be filled with manifestations of my stress.

Yours truly,

Beastmomma