Beastmomma

This is a short post filled with lots of errors because I am at a slow internet place.  Thanks for your concern about the storm.  My mother's family used to live in  Madras/Chennai which got rocked by the storm.   Fortunately, all of our friends and such are fine.  We cancled our trip to Goa which is on the beach because of the weather.  I am sad about this change of plans, but know that safety is important.

Yesterday I saw the beautiful Taj Mahal with my father. It did not disappoint me as I thought it was as lovely in person as in photographs.  The two days before that we took a trip to Jaipur which is the pink city where the royal families would lounge.  The old city has been built with stones and bricks and then painted pink. We had some hotel troubles, but I thought it was breathtaking. This is the first time I have spent so much time driving through the country roads of India. The landscape is very lush. There are yellow flowers growing which my mother said was most likely mustard.   On Monday, we took a drain to Amritsir to see the Goldon Temple.  It is the Sikh equivalant to the Vatican. It was VERY crowded. I did not feel a sense of peace as I normally do when I go. Instead, i feel agitated with the crowd and frustrated by our long travel day.

During this time in the car with my family, I have realized that our dynamics have changed. This is normal, but I feel sad. My mother continuesly comments on how my brother and I have swtiched roles from when we were younger.  I used to be so outgoing and friendly, now he is and how I used to never be afraid of anything and now he is brave.  Both my parents laugh at his jokes and seem to love his stories. I cannot seem to think of anything to say. They just seem so far away from me.  Last night, the second wedding festivities began. This is on a cousin from my mother's side who is pretty nice. His brother stayed with my parents in MD.  Last night was a party which consisted of songs and good food to kick off the celebration.   It was so fun to see my parents and brother dancing. I got my brother to spike my drink which made things easier to bear.   I got introduced to several people some of whom I suspected were prospects.  Two people told me that I was "too plain" to be an American.  I ventured to the restroom and found this woman crying.  She was telling her mother that some uncle had said that she was fat. She wanted her mother to tell her uncle to leave her alone because she was going to the gym and trying to eat properly.  I thought this woman looked lovely. Her mother was telling her that these comments were in her imagination. I totally felt like I could be that woman and her mother could be mine.

I finished reading "Kite Runner" which was lvoely. There are lots of kites that fly from rooftops here and it makes me look at them more sweetly.  I also finished "Namesake" which reminded me of *Sunday* and i am going to reread because I think it is brilliant.  On a slightly different note, it is hard to not think about *Sunday* as the driver for my aunt has the same name and I hear it almost every day.  My red boots are holding up nicely. Getting dusty from walking the streets and seeing places.  I get hit with bouts of homesickness that make me almost want to cry, especially when people tell me I am not what the expect.  There are other times when I feel like I could be here for a long time like when I am just staring out the window or reading peacefully. 

It is a mix of car exhaust, fresh fruit, various foods from the stands, and the random foliage.  After a long day in Heathrow, I got off the plane ready to collapse from exhaustion.  As we were driving to my aunt's house, I was staring out the window. Even though, there is more development and construction I kept feeling like everything looked familiar.  The last time the rest of my family went to  India was in 2001. My brother was asking questions about various people and places that I could not even place.  He was impressing my parents and the driver.  It has been seven years for me and I was still trying to sort out my memories. I wonder if this is what happens to people who go to the same place every summer where you feel like all your memories start to blur and it is hard to figure out which things happened when.  It was good to see my parents and my aunt. My brother and I slept all of yesterday. We were woken up to attend the first wedding reception. 

The whole event was breathtaking. It was held in a garden of a fancy hotel in Delhi. My cousin looked beautiful and so happy. There was music playing and a disco lit dance floor.  I did not feel so out of touch because I knew a lot of the songs.  Seeing my father's siblings was a bit of a trip because they had aged, but not enough for me to not recognize them. Everyone said that I had grown very quiet and sweet whereas my brother started talking more. In reality, I was just exhausted and could not think of what to say to them. I got to meet the cousins who had married and still lived in Delhi. My mother figured out that there are only three cousin's left on my father's side and I was the oldest.  I started to get really cold because the temperature was dropping and I had not brought a jacket.  We got home at about midnight and fell asleep.

Today, my father, uncle, and mother came to tell me about a family they had met from Ft. Lauderdale, FL who are in town for a wedding. They wanted me to meet their son. I just felt grossed out with this prospect and told my parents that I was not going to trust them anymore. They had promised that the trip to India would just be fun and there would not be all this marriage pressure.  The very first thing they want is for me to meet someone.  Then all of a sudden, my brother starts lecturing my parents about their shadiness.  My father tries to explain how they are trying to help me. I said that I want to be left alone. I don't feel like they are listening to what I want or giving me space to breathe. I think that my anger towards them and harshness may be increasing because of my sores from the online dating experience. My father asked if I was ready for marriage and I said that I was not. He said that he would cancel the meeting and not to worry. I felt like they were sulking all day. I told my brother that I felt guilty and he told me that I should think about what it would be like to be trapped in an awkward marriage or how much of a waste of time it would be for me to meet this dude. 

I also realized that I am just stuck in a strange place. I do not feel 'Indian' enough to go wholeheartedly with the arranged marriage process.  On the other hand, I do not feel 'American' enough to do the dating thing well. I am a blend of both these things, but not enough of either to appeal to anyone. I told my brother that I just felt too big in a literal and figurative sense for this whole thing. It makes me feel lonely and frustrated.  He just said "Yeah, you should take a nap."

My mom did treat me to some chaat which is my favorite Indian snack food.  Then another one of my father's sister's took us shopping. Walking around the city made me feel less like an outsider because I know how the bargaining and such things work.  The dollar is doing fairly well here which makes it easier to spend money without stressing horribly. 

Now we are at the home of the other cousin to meet my aunt and her father who is in town for his grandson's marriage.  Their house is decorated like a scene from
"Monsoon Wedding" complete with the marigolds and lights.  I just looked outside the window and have a clear view of the Delhi mall.  It does feel funny to see a mall in Delhi. 

After a pretty hectic day of packing and trying to get in touch with people to say goodbye, my brother and I made it to the airport to catch our flight to London. We discovered that there was a bit of a mix up with our tickets from London to Delhi mainly that the upgrade our parents had put in for us did not go through. The agent told us that we could try to sort it out when we got to London.  I have to say that I enjoyed not being in the economy class very much.  The seats fully reclined and I got to sleep for a bit.  Unfortunately the passengers next to us were pretty loud for the whole trip.  I saw this movie which is directed by the same woman who did 'Bend it Like Beckham' called 'Bride and Prejudice' It is based on the Jane Austen novel, but with an international twist.  It was pretty funny and the musical numbers were hysterical.  From talking with my brother, I discovered that I have a bit of a trust issue with my parents. That even though they said they were not going to introduce me to potential boys in India, I feel skeptical. He believed that there was reason for my distrust. I have never had such an intense feeling of dread mixed in with excitement about a trip.  I hope that I am just worrying for nothing and that it will be a fun adventure. 

London Heathrow is a small planet. We are going to be here for eight hours.  I managed to get our tickets fixed, so that we are traveling 'high brow' for the final leg as well.  We are both reading and probably going to do some shopping. Hopefully, the day will go quickly while we are here.  On the way to the airport, we figured out with our cousins that we are only going to be away two weekends which makes the trip seem much less long.  I am not sure if I am being coherent as I am feeling pretty sleepy. I feel like I am going to be rocked when I return and have to go back to work.  Phew, why did I start thinking about work? That is just another downer.

Happy Christmas if you celebrate. Happy Capitalism if you are not offended. Happy Miscellaneous Day if you are offended by capitalism, but do not celebrate Christmas. Good merriment to all.