Beastmomma

Last night, I went to cycling class where the prize quote was "You should have enough resistance to keep you interested." There are fancy new bikes and trying to adjust everything correctly is quite the challenge.  A new attractive man was in the class. I think he is a regular, but I had not seen him ride before. He is one of those diehards who does more than one class and I get the feeling that he spends hours at the gym.  I was cycling next to him.  I think he was getting a good workout because there was sweat dripping down his forehead.  In the middle of the class, I noticed that I was getting sprayed. I tried to figure out what it was and realized that it was his sweat! It was so gross that I wanted to cry. Instead, I pretended that I was in an advertisement for sporting equipment and his sweat was part of the props or added effects.  It was a bit disturbing.

I am feeling frustrated and ready for some type of change. I am not sure what that will encompass besides getting older.  My uncle called last night to tell me that I should call my mother's sister because she misses me.  I had not called or spoken with her since we left for India. She and my mom are constantly battling.  I guess that I do not call that household very often because they are asking in a not very nice manner about whether or not I have a boyfriend and how I am getting older and fatter and time is running out. I just don't like that particularly commentary on my life.  I was trying to distance myself, but that causes some hurt feelings. I also don't really enjoy listening to them bad mouth my mom. I also don't like hearing my mom badmouth my aunt. Although, with my parents it is easier to change the subject.  Seems like I need to find the balance between staying in touch with relatives and not feeling tortured. 

Yesterday, I saw this good play.  It was about the KKK taking up residence in a small Vermont town in 1924.  The two things I appreicated about the play were: 1. There was no happy ending that had a bowtie pasted on it.  The characters had conflict and growth which was not pleasant to watch; however, the ending showed that people still had some growing and learning to do. 2. When there is hateful thought in the world, I find that there is a dismissive attitude towards it "Oh those people are idiots" or "they don't know any better."  Well, there was no dismissing of that thought in this play.  The character were forced to confront their neighbors, friends and themselves.   There was a talkback afterwards which talked about the relevance to today. 

On Thursday, I got my first birthday present from a dear friend in Atlanta. It is a gorgeous, very cozy white scarf and I needed one to go with my super hip, reversable jacket.  The weather here changes so frequently and lately it has been cold. I am glad to have something to help keep me cozy. I also got this great book about how to survive your twenties. I did not think of the twenties as something which needed to be survived, but from reading the book I can relate to a lot of the crisis type thinking. 

I am a bit overwhelmed, surprised, and touched with the number of
people who are attending the birthday festivities on Saturday night.
This year has been filled with all three of those emotions in great
abundance.  Usually when I get to the birthday crossroads, I know with
certainty that the past year has been a good one in terms of making me
a better person.  This is the first year where I am wobbly in my
conviction.  I feel the first twinges of bitterness and I discovered
my first gray hair.  I cannot seem to keep my skin from being dry. My head is in chronic dry scalp state which makes me want to shave off my hair.  I can feel the internalization that the reason why I am not married is because there is something in me that needs to be fixed.  I know that life is not a race or a competition, but I feel behind and off because so many of those around me are in relationships, buying homes, getting ready for babies.  My career feels more like a job.  I seem to be perfecting the professional art of whining and not much else.  I am getting ready to take the LSAT and if that goes well and I get into school, I won't be finished until I am thirty two.  There seems to be some restless and frustration at my core that I cannot shake.  Instead of being on the brink of greatness, I feel on the edge of a dump whose shitty fumes are making me light headed. I do feel great joy and gratitude, but sometimes it feels more like a hallmark card instead of a genuine emotion.

Nonetheless, I want to celebrate because even when I am not fully
appreciative of it, life is a gift that should be enjoyed with good
friends.  Even when I don't know how the story will end, I should take
pleasure in relishing character development and interesting text.