Beastmomma

This is the first visit to MD where I have spent such little time in my parent's home. I have to say that I like it much better. Today, I spent the day in Baltimore which is about an hour away from Silver Spring with two friends from Tulane. These are the folks that are leaving for Cameroon on Sunday. It feels surreal and a bit sad to be around them because they are leaving soon. However, I am trying to stay in the present with them and enjoy this time together.  Tonight, I saw Sonja and we had a good discussion about dating. She told me that you have to have some awful experiences before meeting the right one. I know that she is correct, but all of that energy just makes me tired.

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I flew into Maryland tonight and my plane was delayed. One of my spiritual goals is to try to meditate in an airport. Even though, I have been feeling hassled and bruised by the events of this week, I have not had a chance to "sit quietly." When we finally got on the plane, I was staring out the window into the rain and deciding to try to clear my head. It actually worked for about three minutes. Usually I can barely sit still for two.  Anyway after I had that moment, I just felt so much better about the Samsonite situation.  I got this strong feeling that it would be good to keep him in my life because he has already taught me about the importance of being brave when meeting new people and that the mystery of internet dating should not be used as something to hide behind or use to protect ourselves from getting hurt or being vulnerable.   I sent him an e-mail saying that I was tired of disucssing the logistics of how our friendship would work and was ready to start trying and then just asked him some normal questions.  Truthfully even if our connection is not what I was expecting or hoping for, it feels better to interact with him in a normal mode than from a hurtful and analytical place. 

When I got off the plane tonight, my mom was waiting to pick me up.  She had the radio on which was covering Kerry's speech.  It was interesting to ride back with her and exchange what we thought were highlights. She surprises me with how impressed she can be with outspoken women like theresa heiz kerry, but then also still not be jazzed about Kerry.  One of the advantages of getting older is that you get to see your parents as whole people not just your mom or dad.  I also noticed that she was nervous about driving at night which I did not pick up over the phone.  It was a mental pause for me as I realized that I still think of her as the woman that could do it all and that she is going into another phase of her life that has some restrictions.  I wonder how my perception would change if I were around her all the time. Since I don't see her very often, I think that I am more struck by these small changes.

"What is the single thing you can do right now that would change your life for the better?" This question was posted on this site and the responses have been mainly about changing paradigm.  When I first I commented, I said something about being patient with myself and others.

Now, I think that I need to just be present as I go through all the icky and fun stuff.  This AM I got an e-mail from Samsonite in response to my last message. He said that he understood that I could be surprised at the finality of his decision and he was not sure about the logistics of friendship. He acknowledged that it would be hard for us to be just friends at first, but that things would probably get easier as we dated other people. I suppose that he is correct. As I have rehashed the story, I still feel a bit stung and after catching up with sleep, I am going through the process of missing him.  It is like I was addicted to a drug and going on detox.  I imagine that we will be friends, but I think there will be bounts of uncomfortableness.

Last night, I watched the convention.  During these conventions, there seems to be so much hope and optomism. There is this embracing of possibilities, that yes in the next four years there will be revolution and with our votes and our voices we can bring that change.  It seems like these seasons come and go in our personal lives too. There are moments when you are ready for change. You make promises. You ask people and the universe to believe in you. Then you get to the next phase of your life and you have to come through on your word. Instead of the easy path, there are new obstacles and events that distract your focus. You still need to respond to what is in front of you while keeping in mind your intention.   When you look back, depending on the spin, you find that you either kept your word or failed or were somewhere in between.  Depending on who is doing the evaluating, you either get another chance or you move onto something else.