Beastmomma

Sometimes I have relative envy. I know that jealousy is not healthy and is generally frowned upon. However, I have noticed lately that I have been feeling jealous of other people's relatives.  In case you have not noticed, this weekend and early next week are pretty important to me.  I have done little else besides prepare to run a 5K and attempt to make the LSAT my bitch.  To support me in this end, my father brought me to tears by telling me I was emotional.  My mother tells me "Not to worry because my score does not matter" and in defending my father to understand that they are concerned because I am just "Getting older and older."   Yesterday, I found out some disturbing news about my uncle who was married to the aunt who passed away from ovarian cancer. 

After I had good bonding time with the LSAT, I decided to reward myself with some reality television so I watched the all new episode of "Real World/Road Rules Challenge."  After the show, I did a final e-mail check and got a message from my mother's younger sister.  Her daughter is graduating from high school today and I found out about it a few weeks ago. I could not attend because it is on a Tuesday, the week before I take a big test.  Also, I feel a bit angry with how she is treating my mom.  They have always had a contentious relationship and I have been in the middle.  I have not spoken with my aunt in quite awhile.  I think this is because I am trying to limit the contact I have with people who harp on topics like my weight and marital status.   Anyway, I had sent her an e-mail saying that I could not attend the graduation. Last night, I get a message from her telling me about the importance of family and how she is disappointed that I will not be attending the graduation.  This sentence is preceded by the fact that my mother has never been there for her, not even to her marriage.

I wanted to send the following back to her: 1. Grow up; 2. Please keep your feelings about my mother out of your anger with me; 3. Take some responsibility for what may have caused my mom not to attend your marriage.

Instead, I just sat there and stared at the screen.  It really infuriates me.  I want a NORMAL family. I just seem to always have a strange dysfunctional relationship with my family. There is quite the guilt induced grip on me.  Does anyone want to trade? It does not seem like it should be this hard to get support for your goals and to be forgiven for not being in attendance.

Holy Crap-- at this point next Monday, I will be just about halfway through the LSAT. The 5k will be behind me.  It is almost finished.  Wow. Wow. Wow.  In case I have not asked before, PLEASE SEND SOME KICK BUTT VIBES TO ME NEXT SATURDAY AND MONDAY!!

This morning, Anshu and I went for a run. This is my last outdoor run until the 5K which is a mere week away.  I thought that I would just run twenty minutes and then walk the rest of the way.  Little did I know that the fireball of Anshu would suddenly get some of Sandi's spirit in her and not let me quit. I did get to take two thirty second breaks. We ran up some major hills and the heat was so intense.  I know that many people say running outdoors is easier than being inside. However two things make me disagree with that statement: 1. Hills and 2. Heat.  These two factors can make a big difference in energy and endurance. Fortunately, I survived with some encouragement and strong nudging to complete 40 minutes of an outdoor run.   I cannot believe that it is almost here.

When I got back from the run, I had a major headache which I have been trouble shaking all down. Although, I am not sure how much of headache one can shake when practing LSAT questions.