Beastmomma

I am unconventional in many senses of the word.  From the time I graduated high school, I was ready to live away from home. My adventures lead me to Atlanta, New Orleans, Durham, and Seattle. The more time I spent away from my parents home, the harder it was to return for an extended period of time. A few years ago my parents sold the house in which I spent my formative years; I feel out of place in their new, larger house. It is a gorgeous space, but I find that I have no sense of history. This is just my parent's manifestation of a lifetime's work--- a huge palace with not many occupants. I just feel lost.

The sense of not fitting in spills over to almost all the social interactions I have in this place where I grew up. No matter how much my parents or I tried to fit in, we were always outside the mainstream culture.  This was both the American and the Indian culture.  Even though times are changing, it is still a big deal for a woman to live on her own, away from her parents, in a self sufficient manner.  One thing which remains constant for me is the desire to feel free and to have my own space. My favorite thing about being in college was that I could FINALLY decide how to spend my time. Some of my parents friends and other relatives have said that I am too independent and this is what is preventing me from getting married.  When my aunt married a non-Sikh years ago, people told my grandmother that this was why women should not be educated. 

All parents have expectations and wishes for how their children will turn out. I do not understand why some are harder to release than others. The implications of some decisions cut deeper than others.  In choosing a life partner, I am learning just how tightly and intensely I am tied to wanting my parents (particularly my mother's) approval. At the end of the day, it really is about what you can live with? I would love to make a choice and have that decision blessed (not just grudgingly accepted) by my family.  However, just as my hopes and desires are tied up with them, their feelings about parenthood and me are wrapped up in a complex cultural matrix. Hopefully, we can find our way out of the societal complications to the core of who we are: A family that is just trying to love each other in the process of life.

The heat has come to MD. Today it is over ninety degrees.  I was outside for all of ten minutes and my clothes were soaking wet.  The fact that I was wearing black pants made things worse. It occurs to me that I am yearning to be in the car because I am excited to listen to an audio book.  From the first few chapters, I am already on the edge of my seat. Hopefully, I can drive without peeing in my pants because I am so scared or because it is SO good! 

I feel like we have a new resident at my parent's house called the elephant in the room. It is an adjustment to wrap your mind around an idea that your child is choosing differently than you. Hopefully by the end of the summer, things will get better.  Plus in five days, I will be heading towards my old stomping grouds and  that prospect brings a smile to my face.

I am listening to some music and this line just struck me.... "We could all learn to love each other like sugar in our tea."  That does seem like something to wish for with my immediate family.  I wish that there was less anger and more sugar.   It is hard to manifest that when all of us have expectations and hopes that are constantly dashed.  The things which come instead are sometimes painful and sometimes joyful.  There is such a conflict within me between wanting to fix everything in my family and to just leave.