Beastmomma

It is the first of December which means several things. The first is that National Novel Writing Month is over. The second is that it is World Aids day. The third is that I had a good bonding experience with my therapist. Well, the last of these is more of an everyday story, but I thought that it was worth sharing.

There has been press about the AIDS epidemic, particularly by the Bush Administration talking about all that they do to combat AIDS in Africa. It is frustrating to me because there has been effort and funding towards prevention, but not as much has been allocated toward treatment. There is still a social stigma. I have been wondering lately where compassion is in “compassionate conservative.” With the hard core religious right smacking down judgment and touting individual responsibility, kindness towards your neighbor has been lost. There seems to be a trend towards rushing to judgment instead of staying in compassion. When I was in MD, I saw the movie “Rent.” When compared to the play which I say and enjoyed, I thought that the plot was easier to follow in the movie even though I missed some of the songs. The relationships between the characters, especially the romantic relationship between Angel and his partner are very tender. The frustration and fights that occur between the friends is pretty realistic. However, the song “Without You” and the scene montage that goes with it are particularly moving. If you are not touched or at least cannot understand that gay people have romantic connections that are deep and real, then… well… YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. If you believe that people get HIV/AIDS from “bad” behavior or that God is punishing folks by giving them disease, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE also. The number of all types of diseases continues to increase, HIV, cancer, diabetes, other sexually transmitted diseases. The need for people to be treated with tenderness when they have diseases regardless of how they got them has never been greater. The opportunity to be a hero by standing of for those who are discriminated against or oppressed is now. On World AIDS day and every day, let us all strive to be the person who exudes goodness.

About a month ago, I decided that I was going to participate in National Novel Writing Month. Well my time got eaten away by health issues, political fellowship weekends, law school applications, and general exhaustion. Yesterday I tried to make a last effort and managed to get up only to 6,000 words. Maybe someday I will become a novel writing, but for now I am still just me.

Yesterday morning when I saw my therapist I was explaining my feelings during the doctor’s appointment and I told her about my encounter with *Sunday*. When I got to the part about the Simpsons, I was impressed that she remembered the episode. Then without reading my entries here or knowing that I had sent out some personal e-mails to folks to say that I was afraid she made a brilliant extrapolation. In that episode, she told me that Smithers and Mr. Burns both thought that they were going to die. Since I immediately made that association, that was the only window we had as to how afraid I was… even though I was only going in for a blood test, I was still afraid enough to make association in my mind that I needed to tell *Sunday* I love him because I thought something bad might happen. << At that point, I believed even more firmly that starting therapy was the right decision.

Thank you for your good thoughts and messages. I felt their power. 

My left arm aches from all the poking and drawing of blood. However, I did get some decent news.  For now the plan of action is to watchfully wait. I am going to return in three months for another round of test to see if my counts continue to rise.  Since I do not have other symptoms and I feel pretty well, they are not concerned that it is a dire disease.

It was hard to be in the oncology unit. I thought that I was going to cry several times.  This was the first time I had gone to such a place alone. I do not think that I like the lone solider image of adulthood. Next time, I will ask a friend to go with me.

As a slight diversion, *Sunday* called twice today. Once in the morning to find out the time of my appointment and once after to find out how everything went.  It was nice to know that he cares.  

Quotes are from Over the Rhine's song Long Lost Brother:

"I thought that we'd be
Further along by now
I can't remember how
We stumbled to this place"

My body seems to be trembling in fear.  Tomorrow afternoon, I have a two hour doctor's appointment scheduled.  Turns out that my abnormal blood work might be a cause for alarm after all.  There are lots of reassurances that this is something as a precaution.  However, there was that moment when my heart stopped as a I heard the phrase "Hematology Oncology."  There lots of "what if" that run through my brain.  I feel like a failure to my body. There is lots of summoning strength which also leads me to this place of asking you to think good thoughts for me tomorrow from 3-5pm or even all day if you like.   There is taking good care of myself by having a fun dinner with Corrie and Joe.  There is still trying to be that woman I hope to become which includes trying to heed to the spiritual warrior creed which is to show up, be present, and speak your truth. 

"I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter"

After work today, *Sunday* dropped me off at the Regulator bookshop where I could read for a bit before dinner. He is pretty stressed out with work.  He pulled into an illegal parking spot and turned out his blinkers. He said that he had to go.  I decided that I needed to leap.  I wanted to be the hero of my life for a change, especially in these times when I feel more anti-christ than angelic.  He knows about my test and told me not to worry. I said that I had to speak my truth.  I wanted him to know outside of tears and fights and fear that I love him.  In that moment, I faced everything I feared and put my truth out there and said, "I love you."

"I don't mean to laugh outloud
I'm trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut"

He asked me to repeat myself and then held my hand and said, "Thank you." He told me that I should not worry about bothering him.  He said something about how he wanted to be in my life.  He said that he was sleepy. I said that I felt like I was in a scene of the Simpson's where Smithers tells Mr. Burns that he loves him and Mr. Burns responds by saying, "thank you for making my last moments on earth awkward."  *Sunday* said that things were not awkward. It felt strange because his blinkers were on, "All Things Considered" was playing in the car, and people were walking all around the sidewalk.   I said that I just wanted him to know in case we had to break up because I was destined to simply be the fat sick girl.  He told me not to worry about us and then gave me a quick kiss.  The kissing in public is big for him since he is not at all comfortable with physical affection.

"More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever's not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too"

I got out of the car and felt shaken. I was not expecting a declaration of love from him, but I thought that I could at least get cool points for being hip. Instead, I turned into the character a play best: awkward girl trying to be suave.  I somehow seem to be made for the role of girl who doubts herself to the point where she gets others to believe that she is not worth very much.   I wish that he would have said it back.  My relationship with him is similar to that with my parents in the sense that I know there are things that both would like to change about me.  These items are said in such a manner that I constantly feel insecure and doubtful of my worthiness to accept their other gifts. 

"So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I've been around
I invest in the mess
I'm a low cost dumping ground"

I went into the bookstore and instead of reading I called Sonja.  When I doubt whether or not the universe likes me, I just have to think about my friendship with Sonja and realize that I am blessed a thousand times over.  She listened as I explained the situation.  I found a corner of the bookstore and explained the situation.  I cried, but I knew that I was not going to be judged harshly.  In her wisdom, Sonja brought me back to my core.  The whole purpose of this spilling was to be present in the space I occupy, that the woman I am trying to become is someone who speaks her truth and is not attached to the outcome.  She emerged and I should not let my fear or self doubt undermine her awesomeness. 

"Trouble is I'm so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I've lost it
I need the grace to find what can't be found"

Dear Brave Woman of My Future: Please keep me company tomorrow when I get these tests done and if you can make the results good that would be nice too.