Beastmomma

Happy Halloween.  I celebrated by writing a bioethics paper on ethical issues raised by genetic testing of embryos.  The professor made up for it by giving us candy and telling extra funny jokes.

The last few nights, I have had some crazy dreams about being back at Duke.  The dreams started the day that I spoke to the gentleman who sent me this e-mail. The conversation itself was fine. I was surprised to learn two things: (1) That there are many things I DO LIKE about crazy boss and (2) I really did put a lot of effort into making my relationship with her work.  I did get a small bit of pleasure in hearing that her behavior is consistent across many people who have worked with her.  Also, I felt guilty for talking badly about her.  I have made an effort to close the door on the experience and not think about the negative aspects of it very much.

Turns out that my instincts were correct because since I was talking and thinking critically about my experience with crazy boss, I have started to feel slightly anxious. I know that she is not part of my daily life anymore and has no say in my quality of life.  Yet, my subconscious seems to not be convinced.  The dreams have me feeling anxious and trapped in much the same way I did after various interactions with her.

Hopefully, the dreams will go away soon.  I will make that my Halloween wish.

• Doing squats up against the wall. The longer you attempt to hold the position, the harder it gets.
• Completing the reading on time for all law school classes.
• Making it to law school classes on time.
• Getting all the reading completed for class.
• Keeping in touch with friends who are not in law school.
• Making home cooked meals.
• Eating my daily recommended amount of fruits and vegetables.
• Thinking positively about my father's surgery.
• Staying optimistic that my grades will improve this year.

My father made a decision about which option to take.  He decided to go with the robotic surgery which is schedule for November 19th.  When he was explaining the decision to me, he told me that he would have less bleeding and hopefully less pain. He was also glad that since  there is a robot and a screen involved, there would be a greater chance of "nerve sparing" which means that he would not have erectile dysfunction.  He will be out of work for four weeks and then potentially having incontinence for three months.  Hopefully, he will not be part of the 10% for whom incontinence is part of the rest of their lives.

I felt okay about the decision and figured that my parents optimism is correct.  Then yesterday my dad's oldest brother sent an e-mail that had the line: "Miracles do happen and they can happen in your case." All of a sudden a huge amount of fear gripped my chest and I started crying.  Had I missed something? Did we need a miracle? I thought that this was something that could be treated fairly easily.   Getting accurate information and gauges for the mindset of my parents is even more challenging when we are on different coasts.

Since the surgery is right before Thanksgiving break, I am going to go home and stay a few extra days.  Today, I am going to talk with the Dean to have these absences excused.  Even if she does not excuse them, I am still going to go because I think that my father's health is more important than law school.  However, I am very nervou about how everything is going to play out for the rest of the semester.  When I am with my family, I hope I can be present and not freak out about the law school.  When I am here at school, I hope that I can focus and not be freaking out about my dad.