Beastmomma

It is probably not good practice to end sentences with prepositions. However, I could not think of a better entry title.  This week has me feeling a little less than empowered.  Today, I am going to partake in another fellowship weekend.  In my head, I have been imagining myself asking questions of people with whom I disagree in a manner that helps us all see the light.  The presentations begin and then we all get to ask each other questions about why we are Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Independents, etc.  Mentally, I have been taking notes about what the other side says, particularly their word choice and hope to incorporate it into my presentation which is not for another two weeks.

In order to make the space around these fellowships safe, I need to participate more it.  I have been feeling checked out and not invested in it because I do not think that people make an effort to be inclusive. Maybe I need to be more pushy and demanding and asking for what I need.  I worry that I may have turned into one of those whiners. Am I becoming a person who simply complains about things not getting better without doing anything about it?

I decided to participat in a time capsule project.  Basically, I mailed in a list that started with: "What I did during the summer of 2005 that made me a better, smarter, happier person."  I did not recall exactly what was on the list, but I sent it off shortly after I got my LSAT results back.  This past month has been a bit of a rough transition for me.  It was fun to get this list and do a reflection about the items. 

1. Do the swimming portion of a sprint triatholon.  Almost three weeks ago, that got completed and wow, what a rush!

2. Start training to compete in a full triatholon.  Another athlete goal. Well, I have been trying to figure out how to get ready to do all three pieces of a sprint triatholon, so I would say that this is in process.

3.  Apply for five jobs where the primary focus is not on data management.  Well, I applied to three. I got turned down for two without an interview,  but there is still one application pending.  I would say that this is also in progress.

4. Plan visits to explore potential future residences: Arizona, Boston, New York, and San Francisco.   Well the only one of these I have completed would be a planned trip to Boston.

5. Submit application to law school and think about retaking the LSAT.  Well I thought A LOT about retaking the LSAT and decided to pass on that for now. I am going to apply to school, so I guess this is also in process.

6. Create a book proposal.  Have not even begun which means that this gets transferred to the next season of lists. 

7. Say "I love you" and mean it to someone new.  Well, I did do this and it seems to have gotten me into a complicated state. That condition is not something I would like to discuss at this time, so we can just move along.

8. Get measure and start wearing the correct bra size. Done and I have to say that it has changed my life for the better.  Giving your body the support it needs does wonders for all aspects of your health.

There are so many ways in which I would like to manifest happiness and goodness.  I would like to enjoy the journey more and be more present with the unfolding.  It feels like I am in a tough/rough chapter now.  I am reading some excellent books which all have heros that are flawed and go through REALLY tough things. Sometimes, I think of myself as a character and would like to get to the part where I have a happy ending or a beginning. 

A slight Katrina update,  my dear friend Verne is going to be relocating to Chapel Hill temporarily for an indefinite period of time. While I am sad that he has been displaced, I am selfishly looking forward to being in the same city with him again.  I hope that some good resolution comes from the mess of the hurricianes.

This past weekend I had another session of the political fellowship weekend.  I am certainly learning a lot.  The topics for this weekend were fundraising and an exercise in balancing the budget.  As I was listening to the information about how to fundraise and the rules and how much you need to raise to win, it occured to me that this was the reason most of my representatives were rich and/or retired.  I also started to notice that most of my classmates had their own bussinesses. This is relevanant because they are familiar with accounting practices.   I wanted to throw up because here again was another barrier to fundraising.

The next speaker was from an organization called "Democracy-NC" which I thought might be a good option for me.   He was presenting new legislation that had been passed about campaign finance reform.   My classmates were raged against him and saying things like this was political welfare and accusing him of lying with his statistics. In my fantasy, I told them to shut up and let him give his presentation. I also said that just because they thought something was crap did not make it so.  In reality, I raised my hand and put it down when I realized that it had turned into a shouting match.  By the time there was a chance for me to speak, I had lost my nerve.  I replayed that scene so much in my head that it made me sick.  I was glad the facilitators spoke about it the next day and we revisited the ground rules.

The next day we did an exercise in budget stimulation.  I used the energy from my frustration the night before and decided that I was not going to let people get away with saying crappy things.  Turns out that I got put in the Senate, so I got to play a senator which meant that I had to talk with a lot of people.   We decided to around and say what we believe is the role of government.  In my group, there were three Republicans, one independent who is basically a Republican, and two Democrats.  As people were talking, I decided that I wanted to clarify what was meant by handout and governmental parenting and self sufficieny.  What should happen to citizens who were failed by the school system?  One of the people in my group was inappropriate man, who had blown kisses and was generally inapproriate. This weeknd, he kept telling me that he wanted to get me drunk.   As I was challenging him, he told me that I was mean and that I needed to relax.  He then started trying to massage my shoulders to get me to relax.   It was so odd. I felt so frustrated.

The good news is that if I am mean, I must be speaking my mind.