life from the belly of the beasthttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/en-US2009-11-07T19:13:41ZSquarespace Site Server v5.8.0 (http://www.squarespace.com/)Nervous Energyhttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/nervous-energy.html[beastmomma]2009-11-06T03:21:49ZI took a few days off from my internships, so that I could have more energy and time to devote to preparing for the exam.  The problem is that I am really distracted and nervous.  I keep skipping about ten steps into the awful future about what I am going to do if I fail the exam and have to postpone being able to sit for the bar.   It does not help me be productive and motivated to spend quality time with the material.  Instead, I freak out and then need to take a nap or watch television or talk on the phone .   Ugh. 

The experience of dealing with my anxiety has made me wonder why I am so quick to focus on and develop the worst case scenario of so many things.  I could be spending energy thinking about how things could turn out really well.  I do that for a second and then worry about jinxing myself.  I have begun to wonder why I am so good at imagining terrible things happening when I need to perform my best.  If someone I cared about were in the same position as me and behaving in the same manner, I would include a pep talk that included the importance of putting good thoughts into the world.  I would also throw in something about self-love, confidence, and trust.    I feel stuck with not being able to follow my own advice.

]]>Mabo Dofuhttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/mabo-dofu.html[beastmomma]2009-11-05T01:29:02ZWith my new schedule, I do not have as much time to cook as I did when we first moved to the area.  As a result, I have been trying to cook enough over the weekend to feed us for the whole week.  In addition to making some kick butt Pumpkin and Black Bean Chili, I made Mabo Dofu.  I originally found the recipe from Just Bento and it seemed like a good option for lunch.  The recipe is part of a guest post from Sarah of Get Cooking.  The original recipe called for ground beef.  Since we are vegetarian, I substituted veggie crumbles for the meat.  The dish turned out really well.  Partner was skeptical about whether it would keep well for the next couple of days, but he ended up taking it for lunch two days in a row and loving it.  My favorite part was the fresh grated ginger.  I used a grater which made it much easier and gave the whole kitchen a nice fragrance.

]]>Pumpkin and Black Bean Chilihttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/pumpkin-and-black-bean-chili.html[beastmomma]2009-11-04T04:15:16ZOver the weekend, Partner and I welcomed trick or treater for the first time in our new home.  I wanted to make something with pumpkin to mark the occasion.  Last year, I made Pumpkin and Black Bean Chili which rocked my world.  I shared the dish with a few of my law school classmates who also enjoyed it.  Partner is not a particularly picky eater, so I was not too worried. Plus, the entire dish can be made using just one pot which cuts down on dishes.

The recipe comes from the Splendid Table which is a brilliant NPR program. Lynne Rossetto Kasper has a gift for making even the most mundane cooking tasks and culinary topics sound like poetry.  We got her cookbook as a wedding gift and as I read the passages, I sometimes forget that I am not reading a novel.  Anyway, I would highly recommend signing up for her weekly email.  In addition to receiving a recipe for Sunday Supper, you also get her tips and perspectives on ingredients and cooking methods.  It is also a good way to get an introduction to new cookbooks without having to check a book out of the library. 

As if all of that were not enough, Partner said, "This incredible!" After he took a few more bites he declared, "I think that I am falling in love with you all over again."

Ummm... what are you still doing here? Go, make the chili which could make someone FALL IN LOVE YOU!

]]>The Appearance of Powerhttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/the-appearance-of-power.html[beastmomma]2009-11-03T03:03:14ZI have been thinking a lot about what gives people power in work and social situations.  How is it that some folks manage to command attention and exude authority whereas others are easy to dismiss? This is a huge generalization, but I really feel that your body size and ability to brag about how good you are at eating properly and exercising gives you an edge.

I am in a new scene and learning the work culture of the Boston area.  One thing I have noticed (although to be fair, this is not unique at all to Boston) is how many women comment at least once during the day on how poorly or well they have eaten and/or the type of workout they aspire to finish or feel glad they have completed.  I struggle with all of those things as well, but I am surprised with how much social conversation in the workplace centers around those things.   It makes me feel inadequate and as though I do not measure up because I am on the larger end of the scale in most situations.   I wonder if they look at me and see someone who needs to pull her shit together.  I worry about being judged as a failure.  When I express these concerns to Partner, he tells me that my focus should be on producing good work products, charming people with my personality, and not assuming that people are zooming in on my physical characteristics. 

I strive to agree with him.

Today, I treated a co-worker to lunch because I though it would be fun.  He and I are the youngest people in the office by about twenty years.  During my first day at the office of public health, he ended up spending most of the day with me. He is also the only person who consistently comes to check on me and make sure that I am doing okay.  I really appreciate all of those qualities about him.  At the end of lunch, I asked if he would like desert and almost punched him when he said, "No, you should be watching your weight anyway." I was totally thrown off and needed to ask for clarification.  He immediately started apologizing.  I was proud of myself when I said, "You do not have a right to assume what I need to do or not do with my body."  He apologized again.  We left without getting desert because I was so upset that I did not want to share something I enjoy (desert) with someone who was obviously passing judgment about my choice and my body.

The worst part about the interaction was how I felt like a failure.  Obviously, he has not been witness to any sort of transformation or progress in my overall health because he has only known me for a few weeks. I could have shared with him a little bit about my journey, but I did not feel like letting him know that part of me.  As he tried to comfort me, Partner said that he was proud of me and that this dude does not know how far I have come. 

The encounter made me feel really sad and even more self-conscious than I was before.  I do not feel powerful in my body or in my new environment.  Instead, the encounter reinforced and gave strength to a horrible image I have of myself as a fat fuck up who cannot get her shit together.

]]>Test Prep and Anxietyhttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/test-prep-and-anxiety.html[beastmomma]2009-11-01T17:41:28ZOn Saturday, I am going to take an ethics exam.  I need to score an 85% on the MPRE  in order to sit for the Massachusetts bar exam.  I am not a very good test taker and as the exam gets closer, I get more and more nervous.  I have a plan in place for the final stretch this week, but I hope that I do not get defeated.  If you could send good thoughts my way, that would be marvelous!

With one of my internships, I am working on actual cases.  After the hard experience of law school, I am starting to remember why I wanted to become an attorney.  I am enjoying the chance to apply the knowledge I acquired and I feel like I may actually be a good attorney.  In order to practice "for real," I need to pass the bar exam.  Before I said that if I do not pass the bar, I could get another kind of job and that is still true. Now, I feel more of a vested interest in getting my bar card and having the chance to interact with clients to help fill their legal needs.

]]>Blue Man Group Bostonhttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/blue-man-group-boston.html[beastmomma]2009-10-31T21:35:24ZLast night, Partner and I celebrated our five year dating anniversary.  We had to postpone our celebrations because I was in DC at a conference on the actual date.  Some may find it silly to celebrate the anniversary of when our relationship began, but I think it is always good to pause and reflect on something that had such a profound change on both our lives. 

We decided to splurge and see some theatre.  We had both been curious about the Blue Man Group and got tickets.   I did not really know what to expect, but found myself cheering and laughing throughout the performance.  The actors did not speak at all and had very expressive eyes.  Much like my relationship with Partner, it was unexpectedly delightful!

]]>Not So Subtlehttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/not-so-subtle.html[beastmomma]2009-10-27T16:39:18ZWhen I was leaving MD to return to MA, my parent's told me that they had some gifts for Partner and me. I tried protesting by saying that I did not have room in my suitcase.  Then, my sweet dad volunteered to pack for me in order to make everything fit.  He made homemade pumpkin and corn bread which he wanted to send for "his favorite son-in-law."  My brother made some salsa with the last of tomatoes from his garden for Partner because he knew how much Partner enjoys salsa.  My mother decided to give me a gift.  I was hoping for some of her homemade chole.  Instead, she busts out a shopping bag and instructs my father to make room for my gift from her.  My heart sank when I realized she was giving me

100 BLANK THANK YOU CARDS!

]]>The Story I am Creatinghttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/the-story-i-am-creating.html[beastmomma]2009-10-27T03:36:40ZOver the weekend, I went to MD to attend a conference and job fair for public interest lawyers.  A few of my former classmates were also in attendance and I have not seen them since I left Seattle.  In the course of catching up, I found myself stumbling when trying to respond to the question of what I have been up to and how I was adjusting to life in the Boston area.

The short answer to both of those questions is that I love being with Partner and I am adjusting to my new surroundings.

In the course of explaining my internships to a few people, I said that part of the reason these opportunities were so important to me is that I need to feel like Boston is my home too.  As much as I love Partner and I want to be with him, I need to have my own connection to a place.  Even though I am having trouble with some aspects of one of the internships, getting on the commuter rail to go to work and being able to navigate Boston on my own (even if it just to a few places) makes me feel empowered. 

Upon further reflection, the other thing I realized is that I have had a chance to have a fresh start in the legal field.   When I came to Seattle, I had so much doubt about whether I had made the right decision to leave Durham.  The doubt followed me throughout my time there and made it hard to combat all the other factors which were working to tear up my self-esteem.   When I arrived in the Boston area, I knew that I wanted to be with Partner.  I also know that we are going to be here for at least a few years.  Even though job searching and school is tough, I feel much calmer about the process.   I got a lot of compliments on my resume and my ability to be a successful attorney.  Maybe there is a link between self-confidence and the ability to be a good lawyer.

]]>Diwali as a Married Ladyhttp://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/diwali-as-a-married-lady.html[beastmomma]2009-10-21T16:37:46ZOver the weekend, Partner and I celebrated our first Diwali as a married couple.  By way of brief explanation, Diwali is known as the "Festival of Lights" and is a time to celebrate the triumph of good over evil.  It also marks the end of the harvest season and is a chance to celebrate abundance and offer thanks and prayer for continued prosperity.   The first Diwali after marriage has special significance in both Northern and Southern India which is where Partner and my families are from.  In both cultures, it is a continued celebration of a new beginning and the new daughter son in-law are again welcomed into the family with prayers and sweets. 

Since we do not live near our families, we adjusted our celebrations slightly.  Both my father-in-law and mother were in town for a conference.  Partner and I spent the day with my mom and we went on a cruise along the Charles River which was pretty, but not as good as we hoped.  Then, we all went to my sister-in-law's future in-laws home for dinner.  To prepare for the festivities, we purchased some sweets to give to everyone.  I got homemade bread from a local bakery, so that people could have some flavor of New England.  Partner and I also wore new clothes. 

For good measure, I got into an argument with my mother about wearing jewelry.  She was lecturing about how I needed to wear bangles and clip on earrings.  I am not much of a jewelry person at all, so I fought with her.  Finally, we reached a compromise, thanks to Partner, and I found myself wearing painful earrings.  Since I am already digressing a lot I am going to go ahead and say that sometimes I do not feel like a good bride because I am not into wearing jewelry which seem to be something that you are supposed to do once you are married. I feel that it is enough that I wear my wedding and engagement rings, my kara, and my mungalsutra.  Other people, see my mother and aunts, have different opinions that they enjoy voicing.

Anyway....

When we arrived at the party, we were excited to wish everyone.  Before dinner, we did pujawith extra candles and prayers for prosperity.  Then, we hung out and enjoyed a delicious dinner.  My favorite part was dessert because everyone had brought something sweet to add to the spread and share.   Plus, the hosts had incorporated a lot of candles with the food.   My picture is not particularly good, but I wanted to share one photograph.

As we were leaving, Partner and I got some lovely presents.  My mother even gave us an All-Clad pan that I had been eyeing :)  The next day, it snowed which certainly helped to mark the start of a new season.

 

]]>Four Foods on Friday #91http://beastmomma.squarespace.com/life-from-the-belly-of-the-bea/four-foods-on-friday-91.html[beastmomma]2009-10-17T03:51:59ZYou can find out more information and play along at Fun, Crafts, and Recipes. I am catching up on a few week's questions that I missed.

Name four things white or yellow things on the door of your refrigerator right now.

1. Mustard

2. Ranch dressing

3. Egg beaters

4. Yogurt

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