Beastmomma

I have been thinking a lot about what gives people power in work and social situations.  How is it that some folks manage to command attention and exude authority whereas others are easy to dismiss? This is a huge generalization, but I really feel that your body size and ability to brag about how good you are at eating properly and exercising gives you an edge.

I am in a new scene and learning the work culture of the Boston area.  One thing I have noticed (although to be fair, this is not unique at all to Boston) is how many women comment at least once during the day on how poorly or well they have eaten and/or the type of workout they aspire to finish or feel glad they have completed.  I struggle with all of those things as well, but I am surprised with how much social conversation in the workplace centers around those things.   It makes me feel inadequate and as though I do not measure up because I am on the larger end of the scale in most situations.   I wonder if they look at me and see someone who needs to pull her shit together.  I worry about being judged as a failure.  When I express these concerns to Partner, he tells me that my focus should be on producing good work products, charming people with my personality, and not assuming that people are zooming in on my physical characteristics. 

I strive to agree with him.

Today, I treated a co-worker to lunch because I though it would be fun.  He and I are the youngest people in the office by about twenty years.  During my first day at the office of public health, he ended up spending most of the day with me. He is also the only person who consistently comes to check on me and make sure that I am doing okay.  I really appreciate all of those qualities about him.  At the end of lunch, I asked if he would like desert and almost punched him when he said, "No, you should be watching your weight anyway." I was totally thrown off and needed to ask for clarification.  He immediately started apologizing.  I was proud of myself when I said, "You do not have a right to assume what I need to do or not do with my body."  He apologized again.  We left without getting desert because I was so upset that I did not want to share something I enjoy (desert) with someone who was obviously passing judgment about my choice and my body.

The worst part about the interaction was how I felt like a failure.  Obviously, he has not been witness to any sort of transformation or progress in my overall health because he has only known me for a few weeks. I could have shared with him a little bit about my journey, but I did not feel like letting him know that part of me.  As he tried to comfort me, Partner said that he was proud of me and that this dude does not know how far I have come. 

The encounter made me feel really sad and even more self-conscious than I was before.  I do not feel powerful in my body or in my new environment.  Instead, the encounter reinforced and gave strength to a horrible image I have of myself as a fat fuck up who cannot get her shit together.