A few weeks ago, I was fired from my job. It was not surprising, but still upsetting. My last day is April 15th. While the news itself was not surprising, the method by which it was delivered was… I was expecting a regular supervision meeting and we went to HR instead. I tried hard not to cry in front of them, but ended up in tears. They gave me the option to resign which I took and they said that I will still be eligible for unemployment. I have never been fired before and feel humiliated even though I know this job is not a good fit for me. I cried again in the bathroom stall at work before walking to the train.
As things have been deteriorating at work, I have been thinking about what to do next. My parents have been strongly encouraging me to take the bar exam again. My initial reaction was absolutely not. They offered to help by paying for full time day care for the Little One, the exam fees, and a prep course. After this fiasco, I thought about the type of jobs I want and looked at the listings. Almost all require admission to an exam. I took a deep breath and accepted their offer.
In the midst of all this heartache as work, Partner and I have been trying for another Little One. Since I was stressed about getting paid, I was not often in the mood to get laid. I started worrying that it would not happen for us and then on his (and our nephew's) birthday I had a positive pregnancy test! I was so thrilled and shocked beyond belief. Over the first trimester, I still could not believe it was true even as I went to the doctor's office and took the blood tests. Even though I am worried and distracted, my health has been pretty good. On March 10th, we saw our first ultrasound and I felt pure joy. Our little Bud looked pretty relaxed. Unlike the Little One, Bud seemed to be lounging and at one point had arms crossed behind the head with legs crossed. I started laughing and am excited for a mellow spirit to join our family. Granted we could have another energizer bunny on our hands, but for now I like to think that Bud is very zen. I had some genetic tests done and the weekend after the shitty work news, we got the call that everything is okay. Bud is due the day before the Little One's birthday on September 16th and I am hoping that they will at least be a week apart. We are not going to find out until Bud arrives whether we have a daughter or a son.
2014 is already an intense year:
- I was fired from my job
- I found out that a baby is coming
- I am going to face the bar exam again
I keep thinking about this poem by Rita Dove which I wrote about here during another transition. In addition to appreciating the beauty of the words, I am also craving breakfast foods as I read :)
Imagine you wake up
with a second chance: The blue jay
hawks his pretty wares
and the oak still stands, spreading
glorious shade. If you don't look back,
the future never happens.
How good to rise in sunlight,
in the prodigal smell of biscuits—
eggs and sausage on the grill.
The whole sky is yours
to write on, blown open
to a blank page. Come on,
shake a leg! You'll never know
who's down there, frying those eggs,
if you don't get up and see.