Yesterday was my last day of work. I had intense mixed emotions about the day and was debating how to handle my final meeting with my supervisor. Last week, I had an exit interview with the HR person and gave some feedback on process and things which I thought were bullshit. I wanted to end on a positive note, but felt like my supervisor also needed to hear that some of her actions were fucked up. The meeting was much tamer than I anticpated. She asked a lot of questions about a recent trip I took with the family, new baby preparation, and bar exam procedure. We wrapped up the remaining work items and then she closed with saying that she was sorry things did not work out, that I was a joy to know personally and she wished that the work had been better. I decided to take a high-ish road and said that while the last two months have been difficult, I hope that she could see the good things I did and then I listed them. I also gave some feedback on how the job announcement could be re-written to more accurately reflect her expectations. I surprised myself by asking her to keep in touch and keep me in mind for future opportunities.
The rest of the day was pretty nice. I went to lunch with some of my favorite coworkers. There was a birthday club event where I enjoyed ice cream. I got a sweet card which made me cry. I organized my email and files. When I left I did get teary because I truly did like some of my colleagues and I felt so scared about being unemployed not by choice. Maybe the Universe was trying to shift my focus because I started having pain in my side and then felt some flutters which could have been Bud. I smiled as I realized the future is growing and developing even when I am not paying attention and/or in ways I am not even seeing.
Today, I took the Little One to school and upgraded my phone. I got information about gyms, registered for a bar prep class, and renewed my driver's license. It felt good to be productive with life things. I felt a little lost without office work to think about, but also relieved that I did not have stress of anxiety or guilt about not doing more work while at home. My bar review begins on May 5th. Onward!
Seems silly to finish up the assessment of how I did on my resolutions from last year and planning for 2014, but I can resist the desire for a bit of closure. Plus, I may actually have some things about which to brag.
In 2013, I resolved to do the following:
- Read at least 15 books (one more than last year). Maybe I will find more books that are easy to read in short increments. (I wrote a post about that here)
- Complete at least one reading challenge for which I will sign up
- Post at least (an average) of four times a month on the thought page of my blog. I love this space and I need to show up with more than just longing, so I am going to aim for about once a week.
- Make at least one home cooked meal a week (on average).
For reading, I actually surpassed my goal by quite a lot. I finished 24 books most of which were quite good; you can find the list and reviews here. I also completed the 2013 South Asian Reading Challenge which was actually fun and I enjoyed all the books I read for it. You can see all the reading challenges I attempted (and am going to continue in 2014) here. My blogging goal fell short as I averaged posting about three times a month. For cooking, I lost track and so do not know if I completed this goal or not.
My 2014 resolutions are pretty similar to 2013:
- Read at least 25 books (gulp!) this is one more than last year, but the number seems intimidating.
- Complete at least two reading challenges for which I will sign up
- Post at least (on average) four times a month. I am off to a slow start, but hoping to post more in the coming months.
A few weeks ago, I was fired from my job. It was not surprising, but still upsetting. My last day is April 15th. While the news itself was not surprising, the method by which it was delivered was… I was expecting a regular supervision meeting and we went to HR instead. I tried hard not to cry in front of them, but ended up in tears. They gave me the option to resign which I took and they said that I will still be eligible for unemployment. I have never been fired before and feel humiliated even though I know this job is not a good fit for me. I cried again in the bathroom stall at work before walking to the train.
As things have been deteriorating at work, I have been thinking about what to do next. My parents have been strongly encouraging me to take the bar exam again. My initial reaction was absolutely not. They offered to help by paying for full time day care for the Little One, the exam fees, and a prep course. After this fiasco, I thought about the type of jobs I want and looked at the listings. Almost all require admission to an exam. I took a deep breath and accepted their offer.
In the midst of all this heartache as work, Partner and I have been trying for another Little One. Since I was stressed about getting paid, I was not often in the mood to get laid. I started worrying that it would not happen for us and then on his (and our nephew's) birthday I had a positive pregnancy test! I was so thrilled and shocked beyond belief. Over the first trimester, I still could not believe it was true even as I went to the doctor's office and took the blood tests. Even though I am worried and distracted, my health has been pretty good. On March 10th, we saw our first ultrasound and I felt pure joy. Our little Bud looked pretty relaxed. Unlike the Little One, Bud seemed to be lounging and at one point had arms crossed behind the head with legs crossed. I started laughing and am excited for a mellow spirit to join our family. Granted we could have another energizer bunny on our hands, but for now I like to think that Bud is very zen. I had some genetic tests done and the weekend after the shitty work news, we got the call that everything is okay. Bud is due the day before the Little One's birthday on September 16th and I am hoping that they will at least be a week apart. We are not going to find out until Bud arrives whether we have a daughter or a son.
2014 is already an intense year:
- I was fired from my job
- I found out that a baby is coming
- I am going to face the bar exam again
I keep thinking about this poem by Rita Dove which I wrote about here during another transition. In addition to appreciating the beauty of the words, I am also craving breakfast foods as I read :)
Imagine you wake up
with a second chance: The blue jay
hawks his pretty wares
and the oak still stands, spreading
glorious shade. If you don't look back,
the future never happens.
How good to rise in sunlight,
in the prodigal smell of biscuits—
eggs and sausage on the grill.
The whole sky is yours
to write on, blown open
to a blank page. Come on,
shake a leg! You'll never know
who's down there, frying those eggs,
if you don't get up and see.