I have been smiling at the memories of Thanksgiving weekend. I cried when I left home for the first time in years. I blame the Little One. She really had a wonderful time with her grandparents, laughing, playing, and hugging them. When my mom was leaving us at the airport, the Little One got upset and kept saying, "Nani come. I want Nani. Please Nani." When she realized my mom was not coming, she started crying, kicking, and screaming, "No." I probably should have been mortified; instead, I wanted to do the same thing and I started crying too. Then, my mom cried. Then, Partner cried. We ended our visit with a tear filled family hug.
Now, I am trying to adjust to working part time which feels weird mostly because I am still working full time hours. Hopefully, I will get the rhythm soon. I continue to feel worn, but I am trying to remember that I am really lucky. Here are some of my favorite things from the past few weeks.
- Sound: listening to the Little One and Partner sing together during bath.
- Sight: Watching the Little One play with Beth over the weekend when she came to visit
- Touch: Holding hands with Partner and the Little One at the same time when we are having dance party.
- Smell: The yummy blend of three dishes (!!!) prepared during nap time
- Taste: Victory as a workshop I helped plan went well at work!
I was waiting until I had pictures before posting about the Little One's birthday, but two months have passed and I need something cheerful about which to post. The internet was incredibly helpful during brainstorming, planing, and panicking stages and I wanted to make a contribution.
In March, I threw a Dr. Seuss themed baby shower and decided to build off of that theme. The first step was to create an invitation. Since we are on a budget, we used a free invitation service with some fun wording:
Twenty four months have passedand my have they flownWe cannot believe how much[the little one] has grown!We're having a party; it's truer than trueand we want to celebrate with you!Come one, come all and join the fun.We'll lunch, jump, hop, sing and run!September is the Month, 14th is the day.On Saturday at 11 o'clock, oh we will play!You could not, would not, want to missa celebration such as this!Would you, could you, come and play?Please let us know by September 7th either way.
Finally, we want everyone to enjoy the feast
so please let us know if there is anything you will not eat
- Vegetable wraps: Truffula Tree (Lorax)
- Macaroni and Cheese: Poodle eating noodle (Fox in Sox) (either whole foods or stop and shop)
- Corn-- Hop on Pop(corn)
- Fresh Vegetables with Hummus (Lorax)
- Guacamole and Chips with Salsa-- Grinch dips (Grinch who stole christmas)
- Cat in the Hat Fruit Salad-- strawberries, grapes, blueberries, bananas
- Mini quiches from Costco-- Green Eggs and Ham (some are ham and some are spinach)
- Three Cheese Tree-- cubes of three different types of cheese on toothpicks, standing up to look like trees (fox in sox)
- Samosas-- wocket in my pocket
- Baked Beans-- Yot in Pot (Wocket in my pocket)
- Gold Fish/Swedish Fish-- One Fish, Two FishMeat1. Tuna Balls-- Oh, The Places You'll Go2. Chicken-- If I Owned a ZooDrinks1. Water2. Soda3. Punch-- Pink Ink DrinkDessert1. Cake Pops-- Mom, getting from Julia2. Cake- Whole Foods with Seuss lettering
I have been feeling really sad and stressed lately. Even though there are a lot of issues that are beyond my control, like people's personalities, I am really humiliated and embarrassed with how things have been playing out at work. My one supervisor is just very hard to work with and all my confidence is slipping away from me. My fear of fucking up and disappointing her manifests itself in knots in my back, tension in my neck, and an upset stomach.
A few weeks ago, I was approached by HR about going part time and just working with the supervisor with whom I have less drama. The HR person strongly encouraged me to take the option and said that I would have the best chance of success. From a mental standpoint, it would be nice to not feel stressed and cry every week at work. Financially, it would be challenging. I decided to take it because I imagine that it would be worse to get to the end of the probation period and not have a job at all rather than just having something part time.
From reading a lot about different types of work schedules, I know that it can be challenging to get promoted, integrating into a work team, and giving opportunities to grow as a part time employee. I also worry that I am starting to take (more) steps away from career progression. I want a career, not just a job. When I thought about my professional future, I imagined having a position that was both personally satisfying and financially stable.
I also want to be a good partner and a good parent. Being stressed, tense, and exhausted to the point where I am cranky with the Little One and sad with partner is not good for anyone's quality of life. I am glad that I will be home with the Little One two days a week. Although, I am nervous about upsetting her routine and being as awesome at keeping her entertained as the day care providers. Any stay at home parents have ideas for keeping toddlers occupied and happy?
While the decrease in hours creates a bit of financial stress, the potential for quality of life improvement is tremendous. I am looking forward to trying another way to have career, partnership, and parenthood with room for things like sleep, time to cultivate other relationships, and energy to prepare yummy healthy food for my family.
Thank you for all the kind and supportive words over the few weeks.