Beastmomma

I had been staring at this print almost continuously for the past week.  Yesterday, I finally decided to purchase it, so that I can look at something inspiring from my desk.   My mom was with us for the past week and this was actually one of the best visits to date.  I felt productive with the studying.  She got to spend quality time with her grandaughter.  She also cooked up a storm of foods that I enjoy, so our freezer and fridge are pretty packed.  Plus, I got her these socks which she wore; I actually got the four pack with all the animals.  The little lady was totally taken with them and would crack up whenever my mom wiggled her toes.  I LOVED it and asked the little lady to get me some for my birthday which is approaching on March 3rd :) 

As she was preparing to go to the airport, I realized that I had not been out of the house since last weekend.  I decided to go on a driving adventure with Partner, my mom, and the little lady.  On the way to the airport, we stopped at the post office so I could find out how much postage was going to be for our very much belated holiday cards/birth announcements.  I discovered that I had put too much postage on the ones that I had stamped, but purchased the right amount of postage for those that were left.  I felt productive and also excited to be one step closer to getting those out!!

When we got to the airport, the little lady was asleep.  Partner and I discussed whether to go out to lunch or head home.  I wanted lunch and I also wanted to see our friends.  We decided to try E and J to see if they were available.  Lucky for us, they were free and interested in lunching.  Before calling, I was worried that it would be too rushed and I was debating about if it would be worthwhile. Partner convinced me that seeing our friends, even for a short time, would be fun and energizing.  He was totally right!! Both E and J made me laugh; I felt almost normal, not like a total stress ball. Plus, the little lady napped the entire time, so we could actually converse.  I made a dinner date with E and J for the first night of the bar exam, so I will have something fun to do instead of fretting over the test and missing Partner and the little lady. 

I pumped when we got home, spent some time with the little lady, and watched some episodes of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report which I had recorded.  Now, I need to buckle down and do some work, but it sure feels good to spend most of my day smiling and laughing. 

Last night, I scored an all time high on a contacts quiz! As Partner was leaving for work, I said, "73% baby!" because I was pretty excited.  

Over the past 24 hours, I had two pieces of wonderful encouragement that I am trying to carry in my back pocket and refer to frequently. 

First, our contractor came by yesterday to measure the basement.  I told him I was taking the bar and feeling afraid.  He said that I should feel empowered because I was a new mom.  I did not quite follow his logic, but then he built on something another friend sent to me. He said to remember how hard the first few weeks as a parent were and how impossible it seemed.  If I can go through that experience and create something amazing, imagine what can happen with one silly test.  << I feel the need to say again that even though our contractor is hard to get a hold of and forgetful, I REALLY love that his good energy, insight, and positive nature is going into our home.

Second, I got an email today from a blogger friend.  She told that I need to think of something positive.  The language I use around the bar is very defeatist. I am going to work on taking her advice. 

I am also thinking hard and repeating frequently what my friend from the train told me when she came over a few weeks ago.  She said to remember that I had a baby and I can do anything! 

Something is shifting in me and I like the change.  I am sick of being scared and afraid of the bar exam and hanging so much of my professional self-esteem on the outcome.  I do not know what the result will be, but I hate feeling so negative about it.  I am going to try to do better. 

Sometimes I feel like I cannot get enough of my daughter.  Other times, I feel like I have had enough.  All the time, I worry about being good enough. 

Before I began the process of preparing for the bar exam again, Partner and I came up with what we thought was a good plan to give me space to study.  Basically, Partner would take care of her while he was on winter break. My parents, father-in-law, and a nanny would cover the rest.  Since I am still giving her breast milk, I would take breaks every three hours or so to pump.  During those breaks, I would cuddle and snuggle her.  At night, we would give her a bath together and I would play with her.  I would have a laser like focus on studying so that I would not have it hanging over my head when I was spending time with my daughter. 

The reality is that I am exhausted, overwhelmed and constantly feel spread too thin.  I am taking an online course which I like better than the program I did before.  The problem is that I know I am not doing as much studying as recommended.  I am very behind on the schedule and do not think that I will catch up.  As a result, I have a sinking feeling about my prospects.  I am adjusting and changing things up so that I can make the most out of the limited time I have to study.  

The kid is growing really fast which is amazing and incredible.  With her new phases, we do not always know how to respond to her.  Sometimes, she just cries and screams for no reason. Partner and I have a rule that if one of us gets to the end of our rope, we call for help.  I have jumped in more than either of us expected.  Since our house is not 100% soundproof, I can hear her cry which is hard.  I also hear her laughing and having fun with her dad which is pretty wonderful.  Both sounds make learning about bar exam material feel lame.  In spite of my growing doubt about my chances of passing the bar, I am still determined to try.  

In spite of the energy I spent stressing about the bar exam and worrying about being good enough, the little lady seems to be thriving.  At her last doctor's appointment, I felt so proud when the doctor said that she was doing great.  It was fun to see her smiling and laughing at him as he was explaining things to us.  (Her interactions with him make me feel like we made the right decision in choosing our doctor) It was terrible to see her get so upset when she got her shots, but I felt glad that we could make her smile by singing her favorite song which is happy birthday.   We celebrated Partner's birthday together and she really loved happy birthday.  We sang it when she turned four months old and she smiled.  

She is also taken with the baby in the mirror.  She looks at herself and then starts laughing.  Sometimes, Partner and I will smile at her reflection or make faces which seems to blow her mind.  She attended her first birthday party at the Children's Museum and we learned that she likes bubbles.  I also felt proud that she was the only little baby not crying.  She was just watching everything and laughing when people interacted with her. 

The best thing I have learnd in the last month is that she is capable of sleeping through the night.  We have had several nights where she has slept for almost eight hours! We feel like new people.  Just as we start to get comfortable, she goes back to getting up a few times a night. It is hard to feel upset because when we go to her room, she is often smiling and laughing.  I feel flattered and happy that the sight of me can bring her joy.